Pin Ball anyone?

Here it is..3 AM in the damned morning and I'm up typing..blogging..instead of sleeping.

<sigh> ..this is sometimes my life...

I cannot stress enough how much I loath menohell. No. I. Can. Not. They might put me in jail for excessive use of profanity in blogland.
It seems as though, there are cycles within cyles when it comes to menohell. I mean, it's like the earth and it's rotations ya know.
Think about this...the earth does a big rotation around the sun..that's our year. Then the earth spins on it's axis..to give us night and day. Fine. Great.

Well, I got news for ya. Menohell is it's own universe!  You will rotate mini symptoms inside a whirlwind of major symptoms.

When it starts you'll be rotating around the menopausal sun of dispair..I swear.
You'll be pinged about like the ball in a pin ball machine with the pinball wizard at the helm!
Then suddenly..things will ease...your rotation has slowed.
The symptoms will let up some..(the pinbal wizard is taking a smoke break and she left the game on autopilot)

Then..by all that's holy, you'll start again..a new year in menohell. Those same symptoms you've already gotten over will come back...with a pinball vengance.

PING  PING  PING PONG..BLING...BLING..   bells and whistles go off, lights flash and we are back in the game!


Many years ago when I was much younger, I remember my mother saying to me "Girl, you better sleep now while you can because when you get older, you just can't sleep."

Her words haunt me now. I mean...hell..it is 3am and I'm blogging! WTF?

And I swear to you, somewhere in the midsts of all this, some god somewhere, maybe even a vile evil imp has moved my bed to a tropical zone that only *I* can feel. Yep..I'm sure of it. My bed is in the "twilight zone'..I can hear the music now.
It's a cross between that tropical samba music and the twilight zone theme. I can even picture the natives dressed in grass skirts twirling batons of fire under the bed..heating it up!

Need I say more about the night sweats?? I didn't think so.

I have a feeling that today is not going to be a good day. Why?

Because I have an appointment with Dr Feinstone the dentist. I hate the dentist. I dread the chair..the drill, the pick.the smug 'open wide' grin on his face. Egads..

Here's the sad part. I went to the dentist to get a cleaning. He suggests we do some "preventative work' in my mouth on a few broken teeth (in the back) that had never given me a days worry or pain. Ok..so the corners were broken..they still worked, they never hurt..hell, I didn't even notice they were broken anymore..they'd been like that for better then 10 years.

I agree to his torture (what the hell was I thinking!?)

After my first 'preventative' visit..my teeth started to hurt.

And now..after visit # 3..my teeth hurt all the time. My teeth hurt..do you hear me..every tooth he has touched or 'worked' on..(two I might add)..ache me every day.

So today when I go in..he's going to finish up his work on tooth #1 (a preventative crown..pfft!)..I'm going to tell him to recheck tooth #2 (a simple filling on a broken corner) and repair whatever it is he missed...(because that one really aches.. for gawds sake!)

And then I'm leaving. I'm not going back. Nope. I've had my fill of the dentist chair (no pun intended). Today..he's done. period. fineto.
And just in case you don't know who Dr. Feinstone is..you can find out here or see the movie, either way..it's not pretty.

So..I'm heading to the shower now, to prepare for my day of torture. I think, maybe...a glass of wine and a heavty pain 'i don't give a shit' pill would be in order, but..I don't have one. Wine I have..oh yesh. Wine I have.

The Crone of dental torture

Sage

Things that piss me off

Things that piss me off

#167: Here you are, doing 61 with cruise control. You're on the highway ALONE..no one in front, no one behind. Then..out of the blue, some jerk decides he HAS to pull out in front of you, making you put your brakes on, disengage your cruise control and slow down 20mph only so the same asshole can turn a block later! <GRRRRRRRRR>

Ghostly Cabinets and Rabbit tins

What shall we talk of today?
How about cabinets that open by themselves?

Oh yes. Here's my story:

For the past few weeks we have had a visitor by the name of Pixie. Pixie is a very large, very fluffy, cabinet loving cat that belongs to my son and DIL. (we are temporarily cat-sitting) Pixie's love for cabinets runs deep. She can easily open any cabinet door and enter in, hiding from all the world in her own personal wooden cave...for days. Matter of fact, she went messing for the first two days she was here. We searched high and low, finally finding her in the bathroom cabinet, sulking and lounging among the unused bathmats, miffed  for being brought here without her permission!
Now, I cannot say that I take it to memory (especially a menohell rattled memory at that) that she loves being inside a cabinet. For certain, I had totally forgotten that little quirk of Pixies..indeed I had.

Picture in your mind, the wee hours of morning and I'm up and getting ready for work. I rise at 5, start my coffee and hit the shower. Dressed, pressed and groomed I emerge from the master bath and pour myself a cup of java. Now, I'm not sure how many of you know this, but coffee..well let's just say, a cup of hot coffee first thing in the morning will get you 'moving' things right along in the toilet department mmmk? Halfway through my first cup, the urge hits me. I head for the smaller bathroom on the opposite end of the house as it is closer to the dinning room where I sat leisurely sipping. Once inside of course, I drop pants, squat on the seat and commence to the job at hand.
I see a movement out of the corner of my eye. Jerking my head to the left I realize the cabinet door is opening by itself. Now, ladies, I don't care what you are doing or what you may have still hanging about (if you get my drift) but if you see your bathroom cabinet door begin to open of it's own accord right next to where you are squatted you are NOT going to stay there! OH NO!!
Before my knees could function, my heart leaped a time or two as I gasped at the assuming spectral haunted cabinet. As the door widened my knees took to working and I jumped up from my peaceful squat.
(It's a good thing nothing was still hanging about ya know.)
It dawned on me in a mere flash of a second that the cabinet was between me and the only escape route I had, the door.  Running was not an option unless I wanted to take the chance and run by whatever may be causing the cabinet door to move on it's own and that was not something I wanted to do!

A few more pauses a few more heart flutters and I began to see a dark hairy object emerging from the opening...I gasped again.  I did not know what was materializing from my cabinet! Could it be a black ghost of the night? An evil force in the guise of a small black shadow or perchance a black fox, large fuzzy rodent or possibly even a possum had gotten in my house! WTH was it!! I stood against the wall squished against the tub, pants to my ankles and waited..and waited.
<What a predicament huh? Can you imagine what the paramedics would think or say "Well sir, she seems to have suffered a heart attack with her pants at her ankles..it looks like something scared her before she could finish up the job." EGADS!>
The door creeped open further and further..and finally..I heard the faintest of noises..the noise a sleepy Pixie cat makes. A pixie who is taking her sweet ass time about getting up, now looking up at me with the most evil of eyes ..because I guess. I woke her from her cave of wondrous sleep.

Honestly I had forgotten about Pixies penchant for cabinet dwelling, truley..I had forgotten about Pixie!
This is one of those instances in life we have all experienced. That instant when you are relieved as all hell, but want to shake the shit out of the cause of your distress. It's a love hate thing. Really.

Oh..and yes, I did get to finish up the job I came in to do..matter of fact..ever heard the term "scared the shit outta me?"  ..yeah..uhuh. 

Well, the last few weeks have been good. I'm still working and of course, am loving my job. For the first time in a long time, I enjoy going to work. That says alot.

I do have a question to all you crones or wanna be crones out there.
WHY oh WHY do men think we (females in general) are stupid? That our ideas are unworthy and wrong?

Here's a perfect example: When we were housing the new rabbits we have acquired I said to Dementor.."we have to cover a good part of the bottom for the winter so the cold air doesn't come up from underneath. When I had my last rabbits, I always used a piece of roofing tin."
His comment: "I'll cut some wood to fit the bottoms and we can use that."
My reply: "Rabbits chew wood and what was wrong with using the tin?"
Of course, he gave no reason just shrugging and going on about his business.

(Just so you'll know, the main reason I always used tin was ..it was easy to clean. Once every few days I'd take it out, dump it, spray it off..let it warm in the sun and put it back in the cage. Easy enough right? Right? )

Did I mention this? Yes.
Was he in agreement with that? No.
Did I argue, or mention any negative effects the wood may have? No.
Was I to going let him figure it out on his own? You betchya!

I have long since learned not to say anything 'negative' to him for fear of the volcano on his head erupting. It's not a pretty site. So I said nothing about his choice of 'wood'. I let it be. Soon enough he would learn.
He cut the wood to fit either side of the cage, leaving a gap between the two. It's been in place since we got the bunnies (about 4 days ago)

Today just before he was leaving for work, I saunter out to the rabbit cages. My intent?  To add more hay so they could huddle in it for warmth during the night and 'shake the shit off the wood'. (which by the way are soaked with bunny pee and are now stinking)  HIS idea was better then mine right? sure sure sure

Dementor comes over as I'm starting this process. He sees the wood is wet with bunny pee, he can now smell the wood ..and says 'wow, you can really smell it, it stinks?" <blink blink>
My reply?..I so wanted to gloat..but..I simply said
"That's why I always used the tin, it doesn't soak up urine like wood and it's easy to wash." And continued on with my work.
He sulked..and in a none too pleased tone "well, we'll just replace it with tin then I guess!"  And walked away, through the gate and off to work. Speeding down the road as he went.
I believe he actually got pissed because his idea (which he considered much superior to mine), failed.
Men are such sissy boys..pussies. They cannot handle defeat. Ever. (especially by a women!)

This is the very reason a women has not been put in for president. Men cannot handle defeat to a women. Most women could probably figure out a way to balance the budget, get out of debt and buy things we need at a discount for gawds sake..we do it all the time!


And on that note...I will say g'night. Another day at work tomorrow, then again on Saturday. Thanksgiving is upon us soon..our harvests are all in according to the season and Yule is close behind. Luckily all my shopping is done ..now I just have to wrap everything! Time to snuggle under the blankets!

The Crone of Pixie Pranks,

Sage

Train Ride in hell

Ohh the cruel mistress of mother nature.

The foolish tricks she plays on us silly underling mortals..and she takes great joy in it I believe. I hear her laughing manically as she creates havoc in one's life, (read MY LIFE)..seriously.

Several months ago I wrote of the 'schmeer's that she was plaguing me with. The last schmeers lasted 2 weeks. Never enough to 'wear' anything, just there when I'd wipe my ass with toilet paper, I could see that slight pinkish schmeer. I suffered the ill consequences of a period too..the bloating (heaven forbid..it does get worse as you become menopausal..get ready for it) the cramps..ohmygawd the cramps, headache, stomach out of whack, screwed up digestion..all of it. And just a schmeer.

She gave me my comeuppance. My schmeer hung on for nearly 3 weeks...3 weeks I tell you. Then..it stopped, just about 5 days ago..it stopped. I was glad..thankgoodness!
I was glad until today that is. She's back..Aunt Flo decided I had been long enough without a proper 'visit'..so she decided that today..she come round and knock on my door. First time she's visited beyond a schmeer in many moons.

WHY OH WHY am I plagued with this curse AGAIN? I mean c'mon now...if I got the powersurges going on..if I've got the itchy skin, the bloating and all the lovely things that go along with meno-hell..why would mother nature feel the need to bring this upon me again!?

Sad thing is..I should have known it was coming. Four days ago, my boobs were so tender..and HURTING HURTING HURTING (sleeping on my stomach.... squishing the boobs down) was impossible! Movement in general was difficult!  If my arms rubbed anywhere near them..and ohmygawd and ..I went up in size! I Swear to you ..they blew up like balloons!  (that was cool, cuz they were actually 'round' again..instead of looking like 1/2 filled stretched out water balloons ya know...?)  My bras were tight, my clothes were tight, my pants bothered me..I ate and blew up..like someone had put a bicycle tire pump up my ass and started pumping. This lasted for 4 days..today things were on their way back to normal..almost.WTH?


ARGHHHHH!!!!

Can I get off this train yet? When's the next stop?? Junction? Hell, I'll take a water tower and leap..
 
PS: this was written on the 4th..and posted by accident..elsewhere! ACK!!

"The little things Bob"

Pulling suds out from his hiding corner and giving him a pat on the back. I step up..my soapbox and me..oh yesh!

If you're curious, the above quote is from one of my favorite movies "Phenomenon" ..with John Travolta

But..it's true. All of life is 'the little things'.

Sometimes I have to ask myself, why do the little things bother us so much.
I know that the little things in life, bother me more then the big stuff most time. Irritate me more, rile me up hotter and just generally cause me to be pissed off. The little things.

Now..I'm not talking about the little things that happen only once. Maybe twice.
I'm talking about the little things that happen repeatedly...again and again and again.

I heard it once said "insanity is repeating the same mistakes and expecting a different result".  Well then, I guess to put that in my view from here "Insanity is expecting something different even after 7 years of repeated mistakes."

It's the little things I tell you.
The little things pile up, and make..big irritations.  Like:

If you've been getting towels out of the same cabinet, every day for 7 years, you'd think you'd notice at least once, how they were folded. Then, when it was your turn to fold (or you simply did it out of the goodness of your heart), you'd know how to fold them.
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh NO!
To add insult to injury here, you fold them wrong, go to put them away and they won't fit so you do what? Shove them in the cabinet all helter skelter or sit them on the counter for someone else to put away? BOTH..depending on the day.

Let's stick with the bathroom shall we? There are two sinks, his and hers. Daily, without fail she always wipes her out when she's done. He sees her do this. Her sink stays clean. So does the counter around her sink. He does not do this. Day after day, after day he uses the sink, gets water everywhere, leaves soap scum, hair and what not all about...does he wipe it out? Does he clean it at least once a week?
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh NO! He waits..and waits and waits, because he knows that eventually she'll have to do it because she can't stand it anymore. <sigh>

Same goes with the toilet. Two bathrooms, she routinely uses the smaller bathroom for her daily toilet habits. She cleans the toilet regularly (nearly daily). He uses the master toilet. Does he clean it?...does he swish it about at least once a week?...wipe the seat? Check the floor area around it?
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh NO! He waits..and waits and waits, because he knows that eventually she'll have to do it because she can't stand it anymore. <sigh>

 She cleans the desk, it's top is clear, no clutter in sight. Does it stay that way? Not a snowballs chance in hell. WHY? Because it's a flat surface, it's empty, the perfect place to drop his junk. Which he does every day. Stuff he doesn't want to deal with at the time, things that may need to go to the trash but he isn't walking that way. Pile after pile after pile. Does he clean it?
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh NO! He waits...and waits, because he knows that eventually she'll have to do it because she can't stand it anymore. <sigh>

Little things I tell you:
Like..the wire bread twist tie..I can't stand it, it's useless once you open the bread, to close again..you simply twist the bag fold it back on itself and put it in the bread box..bread sealed, job completed. Does he do this?
UHHhhhhhhh NO! Instead, he repeatedly puts the little twist tie back on the bread and sits the bread in FRONT of the bread box. WTH?

His bedroom trash can. We both have small trash cans on each side of the bed. His always always always is full ..and it will become 'overflowing' with stuff falling all over the floor before ONE of us picks it up. Even worse is..he'll toss things in the general direction of the trash can, full or not, if he misses does he pick it up? NO!..

The laundry hampers. One has a lid..the one where we put the whites. He can't be bothered to open the lid to toss his stuff IN it..most times it makes it to the TOP of it..it's just far too much of a bother to open the lid! (*note here..this does not always happen..just randomly) The second hamper, no lid.  It sits next to the sinks..does he put his clothes IN it? Noo..he slings them over the sides of it..so they hang out..and he'll keep doing this till the pile is as high as the sink counter. I'll think we have a ton of laundry, but lo and behold when I grab the hamper, I realize, the damned thing is empty, all the clothes are laying across the top of it! ARGHHHHHHHHH!

These are just a few..

"It's the little things Bob"


The Crone of 'little things'..

Sage

On the job again...

Good Morning my Sister Crones,


Many of you know...I have a new job. It doesn't eek into my daily life too much, but currently I'm just trying to get back into the swing of things with working.

I'm currently on 'temp' status and supposed to work 39 hrs a week, but because it's not 'busy' right now, I'm training and when there are more people in the office then they need, I am cut from the roster for the day. I'm all cool with it for the most part, but then again, I'll never finish my training it seems and it sure does cut into the paycheck.

The cool things about the job:
I'm allowed to get up from my desk when I want, go outside and grab a cig when I want, sew, read and do whatever as long as I answer the phone when it rings or at least have someone covering it for me while I'm 'gone from my desk'. The boss lady encouraged bringing things to do 'besides answering the phones' since they don't ring on a constant basis. There's a full kitchen and we cook occasionally, can bring in whatever we want to store there for our use or to put in the fridge..etc, etc. It's kinda like being at home. There's even a t.v.
It's a pretty laid back place to work and so far (nearing the end of my first 4 weeks) I'm liking the job. It's all good.

The not cool things about the job:
Being cut during the training time because it's slow (key was to get trained before it gets busy..well, that's not happening if I'm cut too much now is it?)
Semi-low pay till I'm hired in on a permanent basis. Right now, I'm only making 8$ an hour. Better then no dollars an hour I know, and when I'm hired on permanently that rate will go to 9.50$ an hour, but that could take up to a year. HOWEVER..that being said..the work is easy for that pay. I'm in an air conditioned office will all the kudos mentioned above. Can't ask for too much pay for that type of job.

I think I burned my nose hair off yesterday. Yep..at least on one nostril. While lighting a cig I bent over a little to far, the flame went a little higher then expected and I had the distinct odor of 'burnt hair' rush me. I checked my eyelashes and they were still intact ..so..had to be the nose hair. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing!
Hmmf..me and fire. I must say we have a relationship!

Dementor and I are on better standings lately..know why? Cuz he went to the doc..and the doc said 'your fucked up..you need medication'..and said doctor put Dementor on medication, mainly for depression. The man I married is back. He now smiles, makes jokes, enjoys life and seems generally all around happy. It's such a change from the past two years sometimes I just can't believe it. Hey..better living through pharmaceuticals in his case..(and mine) Ohh yes!

Of course, never fear, he's still male and as we all know..males have their glitches. Like an aversion to cleaning the toilet that they use (and only they use) and or the bathroom sick (only their sink) ..you know, the basic 'man stuff'. That's all still there and of course, I'll never rid myself of that..unless I rid myself of Dementor. I do hate it that men cannot seem to 'see' what needs to be done or assume that 'someone else' (namely 'wifey') will tend to it because it's either beneath them or 'not their job'. as if life came with 'job descriptions ya know. WTF?


What can I say..it's a life..a married life and with that comes the bullshit we have to put up with from each other. Sometimes I bitch, sometimes I don't.

Either way, I wanted to put an update here just to say 'hey! I haven't forgotten, life just got in the way and I'm working on it, I'll be back with weekly or even daily updates soon enough!'

Till then..have a great end of summer time! I'm loving it!

The Crone of 'new beginnings'..

Sage

The Garden grows alone

Hello my sister crones.

Needless to say, as you can see I have not made a post to this blog in over a month. I wonder why that is?

I have no excuse and don't feel like I need to give one. Sad ain't it?

Ok..now, let me clarify that. For a solid week I was out of town..vacation and a wedding. For one weekend I had company and for a solid week I was rearranging furniture and clearing some rubbish from the house here and there. My craft room, kitchen, living room and dinning room looks fabulous!!

Several weekends have been devoted to the garden and well, the rest of the time, I've probably slept.

Yep, you read that correct, slept. Funny that..I say 'slept' when in all truth, I was TRYING to sleep. Sleep has been as elusive as the golden egg for me lately. For a long time actually.
I have been on such a lazy streak for the past week..(I cannot tell a lie..there has been at least 2 weeks over the past 8 where lazy was my co-joined Siamese twin and she lived on the couch)

I can see the things I need to be doing.., they NEED to be done and I need to get off my dead ass for my own health and personal reasons..sure I can SEE it. I'll be damned if I can motivate myself to do it though. This week has been a bad one.
I may start the week with six guns blaring ready to take on the devil and all his minions and I do so for about 3 hours. Then I think, I'm going to rest for a little bit because I'm tired and then it's 4 days later and I'm still resting. WTH??

There are no excuses of course. I can say the heat has not been something I've wanted to volunteer to be in either though. I look out my window and ask myself 'why are you not out in the garden working?' and then I realize, it's 100+ outside..I'm a fat southern women in the throes of menohell volcanic flashes and I think I should be outside?? who the hell am I kidding?

I hate summer. Wait..let me say that again. I HATE summers in the south.

My sister keeps warning me about the time when I will get cold and not seem to be able to warm up. She says I'll hate it, but honestly, I am so looking forward to it. It means I'll actually be able to go outside and not feel like I'm melting. I'll be able to be that fat southern women wearing her straw hat bent over in her garden. I'll love it. It'll help me stay warm, I can hardly wait. But right now...no fucking way.

That being said since I didn't sleep last night..I'm off to bed. yeah, it's early but I'm tired. When sleep comes to you in 15 minute increments with 30 minutes to 1 hour of waking periods between them....one has no choice but to try and get to sleep early to make up for it the next night.

The Crone of don't give a damn about reasons and excuses,

Sage

It's simple

Well, the time is now 4:40 and I've been up since 4 am. WTH?  Sleep is not coming easy for the past two nights, but I can tell you one thing that is coming easy..damned hot flashes. JeeesusLORD! Will they every quit?
It's getting ridiculous!

Job update: NONE. Dat's right nothing..nada, zilch.
I keep looking and looking and well, unless I want to drive a truck..it ain't happenin'

Mood update: Better but not. I say better but not, because I "FEEL" better, but I'm still not doing anything. Really, I just don't know what's going on. Ok, let me clarify something. To say I'm not doing anything is not quite true. 
Everyday I get up and clean house, and or do laundry. I cook usually twice a day and clean the kitchen up both times. I may even do one project of 'deep cleaning' or yardsale fodder once a week. I may even go work in the garden once or twice a week.
BUT..there is nothing else I'm doing. No crafting, no painting, no room redesigning..nothing on those lines, which I can honestly say leaves me on the couch a lot lately. I mean, once you've vacuumed the house once, and cleaned the kitchen, dusted the furniture and washed all the laundry for a day..what the hell else you gonna do?  (when you're in a 'do nothing' frame of mind)

HOWEVER..on that note, I've 'felt' better for the last week or so. I've felt more like 'doing something'..I just haven't gotten there yet. Wonder why that is? Today may be the day though, who knows. It might.

I don't even really feel like bloggin..I don't. Go figure.
Netflix has become my friend as of late. 

Oh..but I will tell you what my mind made me realize the other day. When Dementor and I were at our worst..he said to me "he didn't want to support anyone"...that was his thing with me not working..he was 'supporting me' and he didn't want to do that. I've realized I really do have the upper hand here. The key is this:

If he really doesn't want to support me..then there's the door..it's open and swings out. You may leave and stop supporting me anytime. Simple.
If it comes to something like that, then well gee..I'll get a job after the fact..and if I can't find one, they can take the house. I sooooo don't care anymore. The land is paid for and I'll pitch a friggin tent if I have to, but the key is..'the door is open, if you don't want to support me or this house..go..I won't stop you."

How's that for a mind revelation?
Hey..made me feel better.

On that note, I guess I'll go sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Just another day in paradise around here! :)

Till next time
The Crone of Netflix browsing

Sage

At least, I have a kingdom

Here we are again..same place..different time, but alas, it all seems the same.

I tracked a path in the carpet again today. Uhuh..sure did.

I'm bored as hell. That's sad too, cuz I've always told my kids "only boring people can be bored'..and boring person I am not, but damnit it all to hell, I'm bored.
Ok, maybe bored is too strong of a word. Maybe it's confused, out of sorts or..something.

Let me just say this, another day has gone by and I have done nothing. N O T H I N G ! 
(day hell..try WEEK!)

I don't want to sit and do nothing, but the mere thought of going to the craft room to create something sends chills down my spine. The idea of getting up and cleaning more makes me ill to my stomach.
And heaven forbid the utter mention of getting all dolled up and hitting the streets to job hunt..(shudder!)


On the flip side of all this, I'll be damned if I want to just sit here twiddling my friggin thumbs!!

ARGHHHHHH!!!
There is no joy in Mudville today..mighty Casey has struck out. (sigh)

Just what does one do about weeks on end like this?

Ok, let me say this, yesterday the house was cleaned top to bottom almost. (the main living areas)
Dementor helped (saints perserve us!) but he did. WHY? Because his son (and his girlfriend) was coming for a quick visit. Now, let me just say this, the house was not a disaster area to begin with. It needed the basic day to day upkeep that I usually do and in between we fixed a lovely lunch for the 'kids'..and Dementor mowed the grass. Ok..nothing we wouldn't normally do on any weekend really. (Cept Dementor helped a lot yesterday..which is cool)

So now today..here I am, stuck with a decently clean house and nothing to do. I had a small computer glitch that struck yesterday and after a few hours this morning of wracking my brain and trying to fix it, I gave up and worked around it. Problem solved.
The rest of the day has been about as useful as tits on a boar!
 (which makes me ask..why do men have nipples? I mean..really?)

Is it too early to go to sleep? Dementor hasn't even been gone an hour and that's what I'm ready to do, hit the couch, put in a movie and sleep. Egads, this is getting ridiculous. Seriously.

Maybe that's the idea. Maybe I need to 'sell' gumption. In a bag. Ready to serve. Wait..they already do that don't they? It just comes in a bottle called "pep pills'...ok, so scratch that idea then.

(shrug) Sometimes, one just has to go with the flow.
Carpet or couch? Which will it be?

Have a great night all you Crones!

The Crone of The Realm of Boredome  (misspelling intentional)

Sage

Falling off the Broom

Here it is..Wednesday night and for about 5 days or more now, the gumption goblins, wrackspurts and now the evil tension talons have gotten a hold of me.
Tension talons are nasty talon like claws that clamp into the base of your neck and brain and continue to hurt like hell for days on end.  They creep up your neck on both sides making it uncomfortable to hold you head up or lay it down..either way, it aches, it twinges and it's a literal pain in the neck that seeps into your head.

I'm as confused as a baby at a nudist picnic right now. I don't know whether to cry, scream or go running naked down a dirt path scaring the locals back into their homes in utter repulsion.

I've had a constant headache for 4 days or better and mother nature is still 'schmeering' occasionally.
I feel like I have the certainty of a snail on a roller coaster.

Roller coaster...that's a good word right now. Meno-hell is a roller coaster ride from hell.
I have no desire to do anything, but can't stand doing nothing.

I think I've paced a track in the carpet.

I gaze about the room and think .."I could do this" or "I could do that"..and yet, I do neither. Then I feel shitty for not doing either and berate myself severely but even that is not enough to get me motivated.
I can't think, I can't sleep and I eat out of pure boredom.
I watch T.V. and can't keep my mind on the show so am totally lost 15 minutes in and walk away from it, leaving it running, simply using it for background noise.

(cuz I think if it was quiet in here, I'd go nuts..even though I'd like nothing more then pure silence)

I don't want to talk to anyone yet, I don't want to be alone.

I feel like a cartoon character with a badly written script..
How one can be confused in the chaos of nothingness is beyond me, but that's about where I'm at. Confused, irritated, lost and not in control of anything..in a purely silent chaos of nothing.

Now..that's a mouthful.

If this is what depression feels like, I want nothing to do with it.
If this is what insanity feels like..hell..put me on the short bus cuz I'm already there.
So I ask myself this..is this depression? Insanity? Or just plain menopause?   

Common sense says menopause.
(although..I doubt my common sense gene is in working order right now)

I wonder, has their ever been a case where someone actually goes insane or berserk due to meno hell??
Let me volunteer my services mmk?


I have a thousand things to do and not one of them gets done, nor does any one of them make me 'want' to get up and do. But I can't sit still either.

I toss and turn when I do sleep (and that in and of itself has been very little as of late)..
and when I'm awake, all I can think about is laying down to sleep.

Someone must have put my mind in a round room and told it to go sit in the corner. There isn't one..but my brain is desperately trying to find it. I feel like a loopy blonde (no offense)
but this witch has fallen off her broom.

The Crone of broken brooms

Sage

EVIL I SAY..evil!

Well, here we are again in MENOHELL.

If you'll remember, I stopped having my 'monthly mother nature visits' for 8 months, then with a vengeance they showed up again for about 4 months. Then they quit for about 3 months.
Well guess who decided to visit this morning??
That bitch is back. GRRRRRRR!!!

Grant you, it's only a smeeeear at this point, but a smear nonetheless. WHY oh WHY does mother nature fool us with such trickery? Why does she have to be this way? WTH???

Argh....

Well, onto more 'lucrative' things.
Hmm..that's a joke.

I should be getting my last pay check from Gamestop this week. I'm hoping they'll mail it to me..if not I'm going to have to go get it..and I don't want to do that ..really.
I miscalculated and thought I would be getting another check from the sweat shop, but alas, I will not. After checking and double checking   ....the last paycheck received included my last three and 1/2 days... sad..but true.

Now..I'm almost in panic mode. I need about 200$ to pay off one last debt I have because heaven forbid if Dementor  has to pay it..he'll shit a brick! (of course, we could wish it was a gold brick, then our worries would be lightened)

And speaking of Dementor, he was a bear yesterday. Apparently he didn't get enough sleep..so when he woke to go to work, he was in a foul mood..so foul that I could see him shitting feathers from his arse!
I just stayed away.
I truly believe he has been this way for so long in his life that the scowl on his face is a permanent fixture now. Honestly.
I think I can see some 'adverse affects' starting to take place with Dementor since I have not been 'on the job' hunt for a week or so.
Again..it's simple..the door is open and he can walk out of it at anytime. I've already made up my mind..if he doesn't want to 'support' anyone (his words) and he feels that I'm not pulling my weight..There's the door..use it.  I'll deal with it after the fact. Simple.

I mean, how easy could it be, he's still packed ya know. 

I'm not wanting to get up and get started this morning, don't ask me why cuz I have no clue. I'm just..not motivated. WAIT!
I just lied.
I DO have a clue! Mother Nature that's what! She is an EVIL vile thing on me today,  my motivation she stole..like a thief in the night.

I did spend some time in my 'work' room yesterday and got it a little cleared. There is much more work to do in there. It's a sad thing though, the 'creative' urge has hit me and I can do nothing about it. The room is a hazard area and not safe to walk in much less try to get anything done in it!  It's a disaster zone!

So..I'm off to see if I can find where Mother Nature has hidden my motivation potential..or would that be potential motivation? Either way..she's hidden it and I must hunt it down like a treasure in the deep blue sea.

(Getting on her diving gear)
Till next time
The Crone of  Oxygen Tanks, low cash and Disaster preparedness

Sage

Bull in a China shop?

I guess it's time for an update...<sigh>
Things have been..well, they've been.

We've (me and Dementor) have had one big blow up..and *I* was the one that did the blow up..(after he started yelling at me of course, I had had enough) I blew up. I was the 'bull in the china shop that I truly am'..and went on a slinging, breaking, ripping apart,throwing, tearing up rampage...something he had never seen before.
(and something I do very rarely..but when it happens..it's not pretty..no no no)

He went into panic mode..he did not know what to think..really. His eyes got as big as saucers and he was at a total loss for what to do next..his wife was 'wiggin' out..and sister crones..let me tell you. She was.

(When I get THAT mad..it's probably best to just step aside...really)

Needless to say, that argument ended and we haven't had another since.
It all had to do with me working (here we go again). I'm not going to get into it today..just know that the job at Game Stop is/did not work out. I quit. I was not going to be pressured like I was for that little bit of pay. And besides all that..if you've read the last post, then you know..it was not paying me to GO to work. Needless to say...that was not going to happen.
Now, I'm back on the job market again..but on my rules. And they are as follows.
I'll go back to work..when I'm damned good and ready, my house comes first and this place is a mess.
I'm not actively seeking everyday. When something comes along, I'll apply for it.
That something has to be to MY liking, not just because I need a job.
Till something does come along..I'll be clearing out this house for a massive yard sale to happen sometime in June. (that will bring in money too)
I may start selling some paintings on ETSY. Yep..that's what I want..to paint. So..that's what I'm planning on doing till I can find a job (maybe even after). This item, will come with time.

Does Dementor like all this? No. Is he going to deal with it? Yes. If he doesn't..he has the option to leave at any time..he knows this, and I don't care if he does. Let him walk. I'm not going to stress over keeping my house anymore. If the bank wants it..they can have it. The land is mine and paid for, I'll pitch a tent.

There it is..in a nutshell. We are 'keeping on' at this time, trying to deal with things..we'll see how it works.
I'm still in the job market..and when something 'right' comes along..I'll spring for it. Till then..I'm a housewife..which is what I want to be in the first damned place.
I could say..I'm a starving artists..sounds better doesn't it?? LOL..yeah..it does.
So starving artists it is.

Am I being serious about the painting? Yep, sure am.
Current plan is:
For the next 3 weeks, to continue working on my house getting it all together and emptied out readied for the yard sale. 
During that 3 weeks, paint as many items as I can (maybe adding a few small ones to the yard sale)
Yard Sale
Then, 3x's a month hit the local flea markets and farmers markets...painting on site.

Putting a few on etsy and simply rolling from there. I do plan on doing some 'mixed media'..changing things up a bit.
Deal is ..I need to bring in about 400$ a month. I think i can do that with my 'art'..whether it's crafts, quilts, paintings or what nots..we'll see.

But today..I'm off to the thrift store..to see what I can find cheap, and maybe resell for a profit. Everyone else does it..why not me! ::) :)
Till next time..

The Crone of starving artists syndrome

Sage

Math is hard

Life sure does have it's ups and downs..we all know this.

I just haven't decided yet, if I'm on an up swing or a down swing! LOL

The new job is............well, it's a job.
I semi like it..and I semi don't.
They have pushed very hard to get me 'power trained' ..it's the best way to describe it.
Here's what I mean.
As a lower level manager, there are certain 'corporate' things I have to know, comply with and learn, along with basic store 'management' details. According to their 'official' training manual (of which I did not get) there are 3  levels of training that I should be going through in order to reach the management position I have been hired for.  I am supposed to be finished with 'level 1'training after 40 hours, 'level 2' after another 120 hours and finally 'level 3' after another 40 hours. Total amount of hours.........200.
I started my job on Sunday of last week..one week ago today. I had worked a total of 2 days (appx 10 hrs) when on the third day and the beginning of my shift, I walk in and the current manager said to me "we have to get you through all your training tonight..up to and including level 3."  SCUZE ME?

"yep, Bryan wants you trained so that you can be given alarm codes and such so you can open and close the store by yourself ASAP"...............UHMMM..I DON'T THINK SO!

Not only was I supposed to 'power train'..but the current store manager and I were supposed to get it done DURING WORKING hours. ................."YEAH RIGHT!"

Needless to say, we didn't get it done that day ..but, information was shoved into my head for the next 2 days.
How many hours have I worked there? Total: 22
Now..minus 22 from the 200 I'm supposed to train for and you get??  178 more hours of training left. Am I going to get it? NO
Today when I go into work, I have to partake of a 'phone conference testing' with Bryan to see if I pass and can be given the alarm code. (I received my keys on day 3).

REALLY?
Am I ready? Not even!
Will I pass? Doubtful
Am I happy about this? PFFFT!

I've done all I can to 'crash course' some of this stuff this morning..it is not sticking.
This company has more acronyms then the fucking dictionary! (and I'm supposed to know them all!)
This company has NO TRUST in it's employees whatsoever. That is no lie.
Example: All the cameras in the store and not aimed at the door and the floor where customers are..ohh no..they are aimed at the employees.

 <BLINK BLINK!>
WHY?
A portion of the training information that has been shoved into my head has been about 'policy' and theft. (by employees) Maybe..just maybe I've been out of the 'retail' business too long. Do employees really do this type of stuff..? I mean..REALLY?
The rest of the training has been...........OHMYGAWD kinda shit. Acronym after acronym of this and that and what you need to do daily and emails and category counts and where to go for this information and so on and so on..
The basic training of the meat of the store, like "HOW TO FRIGGIN CHECK SOMEONE OUT AT THE REGISTER has been..catch it if you can! JJJEEEEESUS KEEERIST!

You're kidding me right??

Oh..and well, I can't take smoke breaks either..........GASP!! No..I cannot even step out the front door (with the store being empty mind you) and take a quick smoke..nope. A manager has to be IN the store at ALL TIMES! Even if another (non manager) employee is in the store..you cannot step outside!   WTH?

oh..and you can't sit down at any time either!...............what? A shift without a break or the ability to rest your feet for a moment?? Excuse me?
NOPE..........

Ohh..and those 32-40 hours I was told I would get..Hmm He must have meant every TWO weeks..cuz as it stands..I'm getting about 20 hrs a week.
Now..mind you, for part time, this is great..but..when you consider that I have to travel 38 miles round trip to and from work for a shift...and in order to get those 20 hrs a week, they are splitting it up into shifts of 3-7 hrs..how many times a week do I have to drive that 38 miles. 5. Five is the answer here.
5x's 38 = that's almost 200 miles. 200 miles in my car will cost me about 60 bucks. My paycheck for 20 hours, minus taxes is only going to be about 120. Now minus 60 for the gas (not to mention the miles I'll be adding to my car!) and you tell me...........is working this job going to 'pay me'??  (just in case you don't want to do the math..that leaves me about 60$ to deposit in the bank) ..uhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Probably not is the answer here. Probably not.

So as I said at the beginning of this post..life sure does have it's ups and downs..and I just cant' seem to figure out if I'm on an upswing or a downswing.
............................but I can figure out math..and the math is not calculating in this equation.

The Crone of Corporate Yo'yo's

Sage

Wine thoughts

This will be short and sweet, I promise.


Let me say this..so you'll know. (and some day I may divulge all, but for now)
In life, we all make decisions that we HAVE to make.

No questions. No changing your mind.

Some decisions are brought about due to morals, goals and past or fore knowledge of a situation.
Either way, we choose and decide upon things that cannot ever change again.

Once that decision is made, there is no going back. Period.

The sad part of all this is..
...when you are faced or presented with what you gave away for what you made a decision to keep.
It's still out of reach, and always will be.......................and it hurts more then you will ever know.

Till it happens to you.

The Crone of decisions

Sage

A new gamer on the scene

Here we are again...and I can honestly say, my life has been candy. Meaning..sweet since I don't have to deal with mini hitler!  ATILLA is no longer a part of it and I can say I'm glad glad glad!

My new job has been daunting and they want you to learn a lot quick quick quick. Tonight I suffer from burnout for sure, but alas, it's all good I suppose. I was paid for a few hours on Friday when I filled out the 'new employee paperwork..I worked Sunday from 2-6 and again today from 6-9:30ish. I'm off tomorrow and go back in Wednesday morning (9am) to learn 'opening' (only for an hour or so) then back to work at 3pm till close.

From what I could see today, I'll be working Fri, Sat and Sun of this week too. This is all good. The more I learn, the better.
It appears we don't have a 'lead manager' at the moment..(I mean we do, but she's not normally here, she's  a fill in from Charleston who will be leaving in a month and my gawd does she know her STUFF!) so she told me tonight that once they decided 'what they are going to do or bring someone in' she'll be going back to her store. ..so we could have a new lead manager soon.
I can tell you, it's a lot to learn..and tonight the input of so much information made my brain hurt! HOWEVER..that being said, I'm doing pretty good at learning a good bit of it. I'll be closing by myself on Wednesday, given my keys and my security codes, etc, etc..and I'm not sure I'm ready for it, but alas..I have no choice really. It's do or die at this point. LOL

And of course, tonight was the night that I bought my system. Yep..a gaming system..an xbox 360 w/250g HD and Kinect along with 4 games. I mean, seriously, how am I supposed to know anything about 'gaming' systems if I don't own one??   Well, now I do. :) I'll hook it up tomorrow and give it a go. We'll see what I think if it. And..since I bought it at my store..I saved over $100, so I am pleased with this.

I can honestly say, I think I'm ready for bed..my brain hurts..really. I'm on overload.
So I'll say farewell for the night. This addled brain is surely going down for the count.

The Crone of 360
Sage

Gamers and a LONG post!

Life sure is funny. And sometimes confusing. (it's also a pain in the ass!)

Let me give you a recap of the last 4 days of my life. If you read from the last post, you remember that Atilla didn't come to work Mon, Tue, or Wed of last week. We all had our fingers crossed that she wouldn't come in on Thur, or Fri either, but alas, she showed up on Thursday and ruined everyone's day!

It just so happens, that all our work was caught up and ahead a bit and Atilla was finding it hard to find things for me to do. She tried to 'pimp' me out to another team, but alas, no one needed an extra hand. Now I have to say I truly truly hate it when there is not enough work to keep me busy because that's when Atilla keeps me next to her showing me new things to do and riding my ass even harder. I HATED being 'without work'..it meant I would constantly have to work with her. EGADS!

Her four days off did nothing to change her attitude...trust me.

By 10am I was pissed. She was surly, rude and completely in an egotistical state of mind. She pulled me to learn another girls station (she was absent that day) and I had no problems doing the job, it was easy as pie..and got finished with all the work she had given me in about 20 mins.
Atilla did not like this..no no no she didn't. She got irritated ...again. So she grabbed me and took me to another machine and showed me how to work it and set me to doing that. Again..I had finished all that in about 20 mins.
The time now is about 15-20 minutes before our lunch break..and having already dealt with her pissy assed attitutde for about 2 hours, I was just about fed up.
When I had finished again she looked at me and said (in a very negative way, loud and with malice I might add
"Well then, you can just fix yourself another box to work on..come with me!"
And she took me up front near her desk to pull flags from a bin and put into a rolling cart. They had to be placed in a specific way, and make sure to not let them drag (she yelled that at me by the way) and so I started pulling flags. She didn't like the way I was pulling them, nor the speed in which I was doing it..it was too slow for her and well, that's all it took for her to start in on me....again.
She yelled ,"This is production MAN!..you're too damned slow!, you need to pull them and get them in the cart!
I replied back (irritated too I might add).."I'm just making sure they aren't dragging..it's what you said..to make sure they don't drag!"
She replied: LOOK! I've done a whole cart and you're just finishing your first one........." then she turned away from me and bitched about the laziness of people and other things that I could not hear.While she slammed and threw things about.
That was it for me man. I was done. I could not deal with this anymore.

I took the cart..did what needed to be done with them on both machines..as soon as I was done, our lunch bell rang.
I went to my station, grabbed all my personal items..walked to the time clock and clocked myself out.
I then went straight into the office and said
"I'm going home for the day, because if I don't I'm going to punch someone in the nose and be arrested for assault. I can no longer work with 'atilla'..either switch me to another team or consider this my resignation effective today!" I was pissed..and she knew it.
The girl sputtered and jumped up..asking me to at least speak with 'Dave' our head guy (he's about 3rd down on the totem pole of owners/important people"
SO..to make a long story short..I did talk with Dave, gave him the same options I had already stated..and then I went home. Taking all my things with me, with the promise that I would call back at about 3 to see what they had decided. Needless to say, that call back didn't produce a good outcome. Dave informed me that right now they just did not have a place they could place me, but he had talked with Atilla and steps were being taken to correct the issues, so would I please come back and give it a few weeks. The answer was.."I can't give you an answer right now Dave, I need to think on it" He agreed and we hung up.

Bright and early Friday morning, I was up. I tweeked my resume a bit more, made 6 copies, dressed in a decent casual wear and hit the road by 8:45.
I went everywhere! From all the factories we have to a 'mobile home' selling place, to rent a centers and to local stores. NOTHING..do you hear me..nothing. HOWEVER what I did find was that many many many of the places I went to wanted you to fill out the application on line.
Now, mind you, I had done this already with many of these places, but the idea that someone is only going to look at a computerized 'application/resume' and decide on that alone whether they want to go to the next step..bothered me. What happened to human interaction? this was crazy. I was now depressed..I was upset..and I again felt so stuck it wasn't funny.
Now, this particular Friday was "Rita Friday" and all the girls had plans to meet and have Rita's and lunch at 11:30.
the time was now 10:45 and I was already tired..in and out of the car, in and out of the car, talk talk, in and out of the car..see what I mean?
So here I am..sitting in the shopping center parking lot in front of Walmart and the strip mall of stores. (sigh) I sat there..for about 10 minutes. At this point, I figured WTH..let me go drink a Rita while I wait and began to pull out. When I did I scanned down the row of stores and saw "GameStop"...
"Hmmm..I could treat myself to the newest 'Sims' expansion....Why the hell not!" So I parked, shut off the car and walked into the store.
The young lady behind the counter looked up when I strolled in and said "HI! How are you today?!"
That was it..I knew I needed to relax or something..and in a joking manner I slumped my shoulders..got a sad look on my face and said "You would have to ask me that wouldn't you?" and then I smiled.
It was over after that..she was laughing and we were talking..I was bemoaning the job hunting was horrible..and that the human interaction was gone from searching for a job, now everyone had to apply on the net..and how could they know anything about me just by looking at a resume and on and on we went. For about 10 minutes.
Then she looked at me and said "Do you have management experience"? Well of course I do! She handed me an application and we continued to chat while I was filling it out. Suddenly the door opened and a man came in with his arms loaded with products and things for behind the counter. I figured he was just another employee of the store. I continued filling out the app and the young lady behind the counter finally said to the man.."She's filling out an app for the manager position"..he turned to me, gave me a hardy hand shake introduced himself as "Brian" and we began talking. We talked of games and gaming, of sports cars (he was drooling over mine) and life in general. We laughed and had a nice conversation. He took my app and scanned it and we talked some more. He told me then he'd "make sure the lead manager got my app and then she would schedule me for an interview and then you'll have a second interview with me."
Wow..this guy must be someone a bit higher then I thought!
We chatted a few more minutes and I left the store  heading for 'Ritaville'. I was in the store almost an hour. WOW!
(and I did buy my expansion too!)
When I got to the restaurant noone was there..I sat outside and ordered my first Rita. After 1/2 an hour of eating chips and sipping the Rita, I realized I had been stood up. So..I called Dementor and said "I'll treat you to lunch and a rita if you get up and come meet me" he agreed and 45 mins later he was sitting down at the table. He said to me "A girl named 'Stephanie called from a 'Gamestop" place and wants you to call her immediately..and Dave called"
I was in shock. I had only been gone from the store an hour and she had called already! So..on the spot I called her back..her exact words to me were "I understand that you had a very impressive impromptu little interview today!?" I was floored. We talked, I told her I could meet her in a hour and do an interview"

So..two ritas down..I went to an interview! LOL..anyway, when I walked in, the young lady behind the counter that I had spoken with previously came to me and said "You made quite and impression with Brian! When Stephanie got in here, he grabbed your app, slapped it down on the counter and said "Call her..ASAP! Get her back in here..you don't want to miss this one". Then she told me "Your timing couldn't have been better..Brian is the regional manager!"
Again..I was floored. Needless to say the interview went GREAT..and I was offered the position of Manager (one of 2..and the lowest one of course) with opportunities to move up very quickly in the company. Stephanie told me I was absolutely awesome (and yes, that's the word she used) and she couldn't wait to work with me. By the by..Stephani is the lead manager.
So..I now have a new job..as manager of "Gamestop" (and if you don't know..gamestop is a store that sells 'games for computers, xbox's, ps2'..etc..you know..gaming systems that you hook up to your tv)

I got paid for 2 hours while I filled out the new employee paperwork..and my first day is today..I go in at 2. The hours will be random and it won't always be full time. I'll be working anywhere from 30-40 hrs. a week..and unfortunately, much of it will be nights and weekends, but hey..I'm ok with this.
WOOHOOO! I'll be an official "game techy'! LOL

Now..back at the ranch..remember, Dave had called and left a message. By the time we got home it was a little after 6 and I just had to call and tell 1 of 5 the news. So I called the daughter..she said to me "A Dave called me earlier..and wants you to call him..he gave me his personal cell number."
<blink blink>
Ok..so I took the number, got off the phone and called him.
It seems they did some twisting and shifting and could offer me a position on another team..making $8 and hour. I told Dave I appreciated all that he had done to work with me, but alas..I had already acquired another job. His reply "WOW!..ok then..ALREADY?" Yes Dave..already.

Needless to say..I wont' be going back to the local sweat shop!
Better yet, I NEVER EVER EVER have to lay eyes on Atilla again!!!

The crone of 'gamers'

Sage

OH..PS: When I got home and off the phone, I was doing some general cleaning up/picking up of the house..and I just happened to run across a fortune that I had saved from a chinese fortune cookie..it read:
"Out of confusion comes new patterns"  How true.

Saddle Sores and Body Betrayal

This past weekend I was 'out of town' helping a friend. Her life had taken a change for the better and her house needed to change too. It was a cleansing in more ways then one. A crew of friends and colleagues showed up at her door to 'wipe the slate clean' for her. In two days time we had her house sparkling, reorganized and semi decorated, giving her a new lease on the upcoming adventure of life she was about to embark on.
When evening came at the end of the first day, we went outside and called the spirits to watch over her and her home, and to banish any old haunts that might be hanging around..inside, outside and internally.
The best part about it all was..we had such fun doing it. 
It made me wonder, what if a group of people (your close friends) bombarded your home once a year, to kabitz, deep clean, eat and spread blessings all around..how would you feel?...and the next month everyone went to another in the group, and another..
Something makes me think this was the way it was ...once upon a time. A true 'clan'..by birth or choice, but a clan nonetheless. I think, even though I've never 'had' that type of 'clan' family, my soul misses it.
Something like I read once in the book "Clan of the Cave Bear" by Jean M. Auel .. "the clan had the memories of their ancestors". I wonder, if we miss something we never had ..is it our 'clan memories'?
Something to ponder.


And now..the newest work saga:


Here it is, Wednesday and so far, I've made it through 3 more days at work.
I'll be going back tomorrow too.
With my fingers crossed.
And a major wish spell on my lips.
Just like I've done all week.
See..Atilla didn't come to work on Monday..or Tuesday....or today.
So tomorrow I'll hope for the same thing.
We were told yesterday she wouldn't be back until Wednesday..and we were told today she wouldn't be back till Thursday so there is always hope that she won't be back till Friday..or better yet, MONDAY!
Then my week will be decent.
We've been busy as all hell this week, trust me! I've gotten more accomplished this week then in the previous few weeks simply because 'she' wasn't there to goad, snarl, snicker or ride me like hell!

She was so busy riding me all last week, I had to check my ass for saddle sores!
(I swear, I found two!)

And now..the continuing marriage drama:

I'm not saying much at this point except this. Due to circumstances that I cannot control at this point..(read: Financial instability, no available jobs and simple insanity) Dementor and I are giving this marriage another shot.
He has agreed to

• see a doctor about his problems and possible depression. 
• two 'date nights' a month (for now) where we have fun spending time with each other (out or not)
• one project/hobby for fun that we can do together
• and one project 'the house' that we work on as a couple with ultimate goals in mind.

I have agreed to

• keep a job (whether full or part time) and no..this was not a requirement of his..but of MINE

Can I forget all past problems and issues?
Not right now, but I'm trying to not make them a part of the future either.
Will I ever be off my guard about 'him' and his ways? Probably not.

I will say this, we've already had one date night and by gawd, we had a blast!  I took him bowling and out to dinner. I beat him bowling (2 to 1) and dinner included a table on the patio while we listened to live music for 2 hours. We really really had a good time.

It's only a start but..at least it's a start.

And finally the menopausal part of life.
I swear to you, I think I hate my body.
Let me remind you..For over two years I've suffered the 'symptoms' of menopause. ALL of them to a degree. Even going without a monthly cycle for 8 months. Then..I swear my body betrayed me and boom, the cycle started back again. I've had it again for 5 months. During those 5 months, the menopausal symptoms decreased. Hey..I was kinda happy about this.
THEN..my body betrayed me once again...and I've been 2 months without a cycle. And for these last two months, ohmygawd the power surges are back with a vengeance!
I think to all the world that I'm going to start melting, and one of two things will happen..they'll find nothing but a puddle at my work station and think that I've simply walked out and quit my job and left them with a mess to clean or that the hubs will come home one morning and find something similar in the bed and think I've run off with another man leaving a mess for him to clean up. Yep..I swear, I feel like I'm melting..from the inside out!

The hot flashes/power surges are so bad at work..that I've had to invest in a small personal battery operated fan. (bought it 3 weeks ago) It takes 2 D cell batteries..I've gone through 6 already. Need I say more? 
I refer you back to this post..read it just for the giggles of it, but damnit ol miss mitchell..It's HOT in here!


The Crone of HOT Saddle sores

Sage

Stuck in the middle with you

Yesterday went as expected. Atilla said very little to me all day and when she did, it was said with a tone of contempt and a 'you're so stupid I have to tell you everything' attitude.
Seriously, this is making me 'ill'. Ill in the fact that every morning, I get a nervous stomach, my heart races and my nerves are getting shot..just to know I have to face this women every day. I never know what to expect on a day to day basis. Ever.
It's always
 "Will she scream at me in front of everyone today?"
"Will she leave me be today?"
"Will she ridicule me today and call me 'lame' again?"
"Will she constantly fuss at me and grab my hands pushing me aside?"

Will she, will she, will she. 
I fucking hate this.
Let me explain something here..Anytime I've ever started a new job, the job contained 'training' of how things worked, what went where, where things went next, you know...a routine that was explained to you. You were then told where you would come in this 'routine'..and what was expected of you. Your job responsibilities.
NOT ONCE..I repeat..NOT ONCE was this ever told to me on this job. You go in everyday and have no clue as to what you're supposed to be doing this day. (at least I don't).
My position has never been established here. NEVER. One day I may be hemming all day, the next day I may be packing or patching, or folding or running rope. I can get pulled off these jobs at any time to do something else at Atilla's whim. Hell..there are sometimes (it's happened once or twice) where she has nothing for me to do and she'll tell me "GO! Do something!" (and she's done this twice when she was 'pissed at me and fed up with me) Well, damn..there is nothing. There's nothing to hem, nothing to patch, nothing to fold or pack. I end up sweeping and being as invisible as I can.  And trust me..if she see's me doing the 'nothing' she told me to do, she'll bitch and scream and yell that I am doing nothing! ARGHHH!!

Then there are those days when there are 3 bins of things for me to patch or hem..and I start doing those and..am happy to be busy and seeing the job before me..the suddenly Atilla will show up at my machine and say to me "This is not a full time job for you, you cannot patch and hem all day........This is not a full time job! You need to go help so and so fold"...(but yet..I'll get yelled at if those items are not done)....jeesus keerist..would someone please make up their mind!? 

I'm just about ready to make a choice that I didn't want to have to make. Just about.

I'm stuck. So friggin stuck.


I've never felt so stuck and with no options before in my life. The economy is so screwed that my options are nil or so limited it's amazing. I've looked for weeks..there are no job opportunities out there. It's not that I'm not qualified..there are NO OPENINGS! You don't know how many times I've heard that in the past month."NO OPENINGS"..gawd.


The crone of glue

Sage

Queen of Hearts

Well, here it is Wednesday..and Honestly..I'm not much better then I was yesterday afternoon. Yeah, I'm still kicking my ass for my mistake with that quickie job interview yesterday. I can always keep my fingers crossed though.
Again, today, I am faced with dealing with the sweat shop and Atilla...but it's almost like I've lost hope. I'm numb and going to work. I'm afraid I don't care anymore and that scares me. I'm stuck where I am and to keep trying elsewhere without any luck or possibilities just makes me feel...well, hopeless.
I swear, I feel a depression coming on. Funny that.
You'd have thought I would have had a depression come on in a big way when living with Mr. Depressed himself...you know what I mean? And I did to a degree, but not the same kind. I knew I could change that..this, what I'm going through right now..I cannot change. That alone is depressing as hell.

I cannot explain to you in words and make you understand or know how evil and vile this women is that I work for. I've heard a 100 x's over...'Just tell her, buck up against her"...people, there IS NO TELLING HER. She will not let you speak. She is the like the queen of hearts in Alice in Wonderland. The minute you attempt to say anything to her she starts screaming "NO! NO! NO!..I don't CARE! DO YOU THINK I'M HERE FOR YOU! I RUN MYSELF TO DEATH AND YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE IT HARDER FOR ME..I DON'T CARE! YOU KNOW NOTHING..ABSOLUTELY NOTHING..YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING! YOU'RE LAME!  NO NO NO!!!!
And she'll do this loud enough for the entire plant to hear. And you stand there..with your bare face hanging out, not knowing what to do, being ridiculed in front of everyone.  Near tears.

You stand there..dumfounded. Not knowing what to say and it wouldn't matter if you did..she'll over yell you and never hear you. You can take off to the office and tell them what's going on and they'll pull her in the office and try to talk to her, she'll rant and rave and stomp around in there and be told to leave the office..she'll get 'points' against her, but she'll keep her job. They won't fire her. It's happened tons of times with others before me already..and nothing is ever done. Ever.
In her book, you are a piece of shit, stupid a 'dumb ass white american'..and she hates us. She shows it too. She has no respect for you, none. She doesn't care what she calls you, what she says to you, she knows she'll not get fired, she knows she can get by with this kind of abuse..and trust me, she heaps it upon you..daily.
How would you feel to have to go to work daily (because you have no choice) and be told you're stupid, treated like you can't think for yourself..a pawn in her game of 'queen'..??

I've never in my life met anyone like this women. What I am about to say is going to shock the shit out of you, but Dementor has nothing on her. NOTHING.
It's like I jumped from one Dementor straight to the Queen of Dementors. Worse then what I was already dealing with. By a long shot.

(sigh) I must go get ready for my daily punishment.
Have a great day..

The knave of hearts

Sage

SMACK ME..!!

is this a bad time for me or what?

I'm so confused and unsure of life right now and need somewhere to talk and someone to talk to, so you are it.

I truly hate my job..and it truly doesn't pay enough.
Ok..let me retype that last statement.
I truly hate my supervisor and the job doesn't pay enough to put up with her shit.

I called in sick today. Was I sick? No..not really. I had been up since two..and I was sick (for a little while..the it was just.. sick of dealing with Atilla the hun)
What did I do? (after I got over the 'sick')  I went job hunting. I had the opportunity for a quick interview today..working in another plant, 5 miles from my home..and I so fucked it up. I know I did. I didn't answer something the way I should have and instead ..answered it with 'honesty'...
The guy asked me 'why I wanted to leave 'the sweat shop'..and I told him the truth..that the supervisor and I were not compatible..she was brash and well..when she got physical with me yesterday I knew it was time for me to go. That's what I said. SMACK ME IN THE HEAD OK!!
What I should have said was "Because the pay is based on production, and even though I'm on the highest producing team..there is a cap on the wages of 9.99.

And I know I fucked up because he ended the interview very quickly after that.
 DAMNIT DAMNIT DAMNIT!  

SMACK ME..someone SMACK ME!!!!!

I feel so bad for doing that..this so could have been my chance of escape from the sweat shop. SERIOUSLY..gawd. I'm so depressed over this..

And just a note, the 'physical' that Atilla got was minor..but she was on me yesterday bad..Yesterday I was her whipping post again. She grabbed my hand and slung it away ..she did this because I wasn't doing it 'her' way..she yelled "NO"..grabbed my hand and slung it away. Ok..not major in the physical market sure..but it still made me know..I DON'T WANT TO WORK HERE!"

And now..I've been all over town and there is nothing..do you hear me NOTHING available. (unless I want to work 2 or 3 different jobs to make up the difference!)

Even if I went "OUT' of town, the difference in pay would get eat up in gas and wear and tear on the car. Someone please tell me .............when it's important..WHY DO WE FUCK UP! wait..WHY DID *I* FUCK UP?


I feel so stuck. So damn stuck.

Shitty Days and Early answers

Ahhh...the end of a work week. Yes, today was my last day at work for this week, we get tomorrow off. Unfortunately, I won't get 'paid' for it since I have not been a permanent employee for 90 days..but hey..no  biggy.
I have a weekend full of events coming up. Today, I quickly mowed the back yard (well, as much as I could get mowed before the thunder started..which luckily was most of it). Tomorrow, I'll be heading out to the thrift store with 1 of 5 and the granddaughter..then it's pizza for lunch afterwards. On Saturday morning, I'll be making a brunch for all my kiddo's and then progressing onward to a backyard egg hunt. ..and to top it all off..the weather is supposed to be glorious!!

(right now I have a headache from hell..but that's what I get for drinking wine with no dinner. I have a good reason though..let me explain)

On Monday afternoon, I got home from work, to find that Dementor had packed most of his things (well, all the things that I had already transferred onto his hutch ..kitchen stuff..a few things that were scattered about the house..ya know). Anyway..he had packed them up into boxes and whatnot and he had fixed an area at the backdoor that was starting to show signs of leaking during heavy rains.
When I got into the house, he sat in the living room and said "you know, when I was packing my stuff..I got to thinking how much I enjoyed that type of stuff..and I realized just how happy I really am here..and how stupid it is for me to be leaving. I really want to stay here..married to you.
(**ding ding ding..this is a repeat of the same shit he said to me about a week ago..nothing new..no revelations..no epiphanies..same old same old.  All about 'him', not about 'us' or 'we')

(Oh gawd, here we go again)
Shortening this up..he again begged and asked and gave his reasons for why he was the way he was, apologized amazingly well...and then fell silent. He was waiting for me to buckle. First thing I did was asked him.."Well, I'll ask you again..if I say 'yes' to staying married, will I have to continue to work?"
His reply was calculated..and weighty..he also took a long time to answer it..I knew he wanted to say "yes" but  he knew..if he did..I'd say 'no' to his 'staying married proposal'
So with deliberate slowness he said "I'd like for you to..." and he let it drop off.
I told him "I cannot give you an answer tonight, nor will I make you any promises. I have to think about it, so give me a few days. I'll give you a final answer on Sunday"
He agreed and went on his merry way..as did I.

Come Tuesday we spoke again..on a few things here and there, but not much..I did say to him..that I'd like to talk to him some more on the subject, but the only days we would really have to talk were Wed and Thurs afternoons before he went to work. Since Friday and Saturday were going to busy family filled days 'talking' about things was not going to be possible. He agreed and said ok.
Come Wednesday afternoon..I had a question for him. After giving it some thought..and going over tons of things in my head I asked him this: "Are you asking to stay married for the marriages sake..or are you doing it simply because it's a pain in the ass to pack your stuff and move it..starting over again. Is it just easier for you to accept and stay or what?"

He didn't answer as I expected or hoped he would, instead he answered with something like this
"Well, I've listened to what you've had to say and I've listened to others and I know that I brood on the past way too much, and I like working about the house. I know I bitch about it..I may kick the lawnmower when it breaks or cuss at things when I have to fix them, but I truly enjoy fixing them and working about the house..and well, I know I always think that the grass is greener on the other side, but I've come to realize that I have a good life here and it would be stupid for me to leave and think it's going to be better elsewhere..and well, I do love you."

Now, you tell me..if your marriage was on the rocks, heading for the big D in the sky..and your spouse asked you the same question I asked him..would you're answer be anything like that?

Moving on..

The next thing I said was this: "We have no solid ground to work on. We don't like the same things..You're into sports, I hate sports. I like movies, you're not a big movie fan..and on and on. We have got to find some common ground in order to build upon it..so, would you agree to a 'date night' as cliche as it sounds, devoting Saturday nights or just two Saturday nights a month to each other. Going on 'dates', doing things TOGETHER..I'll do one Saturday night..pick where we go, what we do..and so on and it doesn't mean we have to go out..and you will do the next Saturday night. It may be "Ok, it's date night..get dressed we are going to town, eating Greek for dinner and heading to the theater for a live play, my treat.  or, simply grabbing cheese, crackers and a bottle of wine and playing Othello (a two player game) on the couch..with music in the background....how would you feel about that? 

"Well..I don't know...I guess I could try it. I'm not much into 'plays'..I'd probably not like it, but I'd go, cuz I know it would be something you'd want to do. But what if I don't feel like going out?..I mean, it's hard to say that 'every other Saturday' is 'date night when we don't know if either of us will feel like it..there are many times I come home and I don't want to do anything..and well, I may just not feel like it."

OH MY GAWD!....
(can we be more negative?)

Notice in the above statements, that my conversation contained a lot of  'WE' and his a lot of "I"??
A clue?
Add that to the fact that he did not 'sit' with me face to face during this conversation, he stood..and 'lorded over' the conversation..looking 'down' on me the whole time.
(body language anyone?)

Next day:
It's now Thursday, the second day we have a chance to talk. All day at work, I mulled things over and finally on my drive home from work, I decided I'd give it three months, at a time. If the first three months worked out, we shoot for a second three months. I could do this ..............right?

As I walked in the backdoor of the house, I get no immediate response. Hell, I didn't even know if he was in the house. After I had walked in..I saw his head sticking up above the back of his recliner and knew..he was sitting there watching...(can you guess?) sports..golf to be exact. (how boring can you possibly be?)
"Hola" came from his mouth. Not a move did he make, no further words came from his mouth.

(in my mind I'm thinking..'huh? Aren't we supposed to be trying to save our marriage? Is he that disinterested that golf is more important?) 
He says not another word to me, as I proceed to empty the dishwasher (with firmness I might add), heat up some coffee and use the bathroom. Nearly 10 minutes had passed before he finally said "How was work today?"
WTH?
Needless to say, let's make this shorter and sweet. I told him I wouldn't compete with his sports, and he slams the tv off, saying he'll never watch sports on it again..I mentioned we were supposed to talk today..and he starts screaming about how things can wait and what's so damned important that we have to talk today..
Suffice it to say ..I said "you know that answer you were waiting for..'the answer is "NO".
That's when he really got mad. He stormed about screaming about how 'there was no time frame on anything and what was so fucking special about Sunday or talking on Thursday for that matter..we can talk on Sunday".. and on he raved. 
All I pretty much said was "I promised you I'd give you and answer by Sunday..I can't do that without 'talking things through about our marriage."

He ranted a few more words.. huffed off to work, saying as he walked out ..'just let me know when you want me out of here"..and slammed the door. If he could have heard me say "Today would be good"..it would have been pie in my hat, but unfortunately, he didn't hear that. He was speeding down the road..pissed off.

I should have known..he did tell me previously "I can't put two happy days together..I never can manage it..one is good, the next, is always shitty"..and well, since yesterday was a good day..I suppose I should have known today would be shitty.
Guess what Dementor?  It was the wrong day to be having a shitty assed day..the answer is "NO"..


PS. It just dawned on me..going back through the posts I've made..Dementor has tried to 'rekindle' (in his own way) this marriage appx..every two weeks, until recently and now ..it's once a week. Is this desperation? The closer he gets to May 1..the more he tries. I'll say it again..too little, too late.

Inspiration in bits and pieces

ONE BIT: Search for inspiration and feed your soul and mind with upbeat information.

ONE PIECE: Keep in mind that you paralyze yourself by focusing on the things you don’t have and can’t do. Rather, focus on what you do have, and can do.

TWO BITS:  Learn to create little victories for yourself and build on them. Shoot for one little thing each day that can show progress in a particular area of your life.

TWO PIECES: Make one goal a week which will help your life improve.

THREE BITS: Make time each day to nurture yourself.

THREE PIECES: Schedule daily time for activities you find calming and soothing. Go for a walk in nature, listen to music, enjoy a hot bath, get a massage, read a favorite book, take a yoga class, or savor a warm cup of tea.

A Flash of Elephants

After the ill fated conversation the other night, I was sitting on the couch..and realized how tired I was. I closed my eyes only to be bombarded immediately by a flash vision. The first was of two, seemingly identical  elephants, but with hair, similar to that of a mammoth. The hair was darker toward the top of their bodies and lighter at the bottom. They were facing me head on, so I didn't see their 'rears' as it were. In a way their legs appeared longer, or it may have been simply because of the hair.

It looked very much like this shape, head and leg structure..but without tusks..no tusks. Trunk hanging straight down in front.

And as I said, he was brownish..with lighter colors toward the legs. Looking a little bit more like this guy in coloring.

Still..no tusks

Remember, I saw this from a front view..as if he and his twin were looking directly at me.

Of course, I opened my eyes in complete shock....asking 'where the fuck did THAT come from'...(blink blink)
Then..when I closed them again..I got a pic of an elephant. Almost identical to this one..just no tusks..and no bushes, trunk up as this one. I don't believe it's ears were as big though.....I saw only what you see in the pic below..a basic head shot from the shoulders up.

After doing a little research about Elephants...here is what I found.

http://www.whats-your-sign.com/elephant-meaning.html   (she has more info on her site as well)
Elephant Meanings and Symbolic Thoughts about the Elephant

Symbolic elephant meaning deals primarily with strength, honor, stability and patience, among other attributes.
To the Hindu way of thought, the elephant is found in the form of Ganesha who is the god of luck, fortune, protection and is a blessing upon all new projects. Ganesha in all his magnificently vibrant elephant glory, is intent on bulldozing obstacles on your behalf (funnily, male elephants are termed "bulls").
________________________________________________________________________________

http://www.experiencefestival.com/meaning_of_dreams_about_elephant
Meaning of Dreams about ElephantA selection of articles related to Meaning of Dreams about Elephant:

Dream Interpretation Elephant : The elephant in an emblem of enormous strength, sovereignty, stability and power. Seeing an elephant in the dream indicates that your job is going well and success is guaranteed. Dreaming of an elephant also can be a warning that you need to behave more prudently and be steadfast

Elephant: Elephants in dreams may represent knowledge, power, and strength. They are also associated with long memory and "thick skin." However, depending on the dream’s details, the elephant may be a symbol of a large burden. Additionally, in the dream you may be making efforts to remember something important and of great magnitude.
________________________________________________________________________________


http://www.dreambible.com/animals.html
To dream of an elephant represents sensitivity or issues that makes you very upset when confronted.  An elephant may reflect things that hurt your feelings, things that easily anger you, or something that might make you cry.
_________________________________________________________________________________


Now, of course, one cannot look up elephants without "Ganesh' coming into play, so of course, I had to find out some info about "Ganesh"  This is a condensed version:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ganesha
Ganesha is widely revered as the Remover of Obstacles and more generally as Lord of Beginnings and Lord of Obstacles, patron of arts and sciences, and the deva of intellect and wisdom
Ganesha is the Lord of Obstacles, both of a material and spiritual order. He is popularly worshipped as a remover of obstacles, though traditionally he also places obstacles in the path of those who need to be checked. Paul Courtright says that "his task in the divine scheme of things, his dharma, is to place and remove obstacles. It is his particular territory, the reason for his creation. However, both functions continue to be vital to his character, as Robert Brown explains, "even after the Purāṇic Gaṇeśa is well-defined, in art Gaṇeśa remained predominantly important for his dual role as creator and remover of obstacles, thus having both a negative and a positive aspect"

If you want to do more research on Ganesh, great..for now, I think by combining the elephant/mammoth flashes and Ganesh, I have come up with what I see as something 'good'..a boundary I have crossed I suppose. I'm ok with this. :) :)

 More to come later!!

The Crone of Mammoths and Elephants
Sage

A Zebra in Pajamas

As promised, I'm giving an update here. Ohh what a weekend this has been.
First..I've had to spend money I don't have and rack up almost 350$ on my credit card...arghhh! Vet bills.. and second..the Dementor has been true to predictions and true to form and tried again..this time even harder to outsmart me. (it did not work.)

Go back and read THIS post titled "A failed attempt" You will see where I predicted exactly what the future would be and my reaction to it if it ever came about again. ...go ..read, then come back here. I'll wait.

Did you read? good. Now let's get down and dirty.

On Friday, I got off work at 11am...and met up with a girl friend for 'Rita Friday'..something we do every 4 weeks ..
(when you work at the local Sweat Shop..alcohol is a must after 4 weeks..trust me, it's our breathing time.) 

So..we sat, we chatted, we drank (2 medium rita's) we ate, we chatted and it was 3pm by the time I headed home. I did one more thing while I was in town..and that was made a trip to the bank. I took my name off Dementors account and had them give me a copy of the sheet showing my name had been removed.

Meanwhile back at the ranch Dementor had arrived home from work, just about 11am..and proceeded to plot his victory speech.

I arrive at the ranch. He was in the bedroom and immediately came out..all happy and smiling. That was my first clue of untrust.
We sat in the living room for a bit, discussed dinner..and maybe drinking some wine. We had general conversation. After about 30 minutes of this, I got up, heading to the kitchen where my purse and the letter from the bank were. I extracted my bank card for his account, cut it in half, stuck it inside the letter and proceeded to walk back into the living room, handing it to him all folded up and said "Here..a present for you."
I let the air out of his sails. His mood dropped a bit. As I sat back down on the couch, I said "I'd appreciate it if you'd would do the same in kind next week please. I figured this would keep you from having to think you have to 'change banks or get a different account."

(what he doesn't know is..I already knew he was looking to change banks..I'm a decent little detective see)

Jump ahead 2 hours.
And that's when it began. He wanted to talk..
For the next two hours, I heard all of my virtues. He started by saying "today while I was on the roof fixing the leak (small leak, near the back door where a rain run off is) I realized I was happy 'working on our home'. I was actually happy and it started to dawn on me how stupid I had been. I realized I had a good women, a nice home, all the comforts I could ask for, a decent job and I was totally taking it for granted."


This is when I KNEW the bullshit was starting to fly. Like I said, for the next two hours, I heard how good of a women I was, how he was wrong, he knew he had a problem with his attitude. He explained to me that in his entire life he could not put two happy days together, he says 'one day I'll be happy and everything is great and the next day it's all shit to me..I cannot connect even two happy days together'...
and so the conversation went. He promised he'd go see a doctor cuz I told him he was depressed or something more. He explained he was always afraid of having to take 'depression pills' because he was afraid they'd make him do something ..like 'go off and shoot people'.

(something was amiss..first off he takes a shit ton of pills already..pain killers, nerve pills, you name it, he takes it..he's not afraid to take a pill..and secondly any idiot knows pills for depression do the opposite of making you 'go off'.......pfft..I was not falling for any of this..my guard was way up)

At any rate, he went on and on and on, talking of his problems and how sorry he was, and how he was wrong.  He even wailed about how he had no friends..and I asked "and who's problem is that?" I got the classic "I don't know"..ohhh good gawd...
BUT one of the best parts of the conversation was when he said to me
"You look better since you've started working, you seem happier"
..I looked him dead in the eye and said "Do you want the truth or a lie?" He said 'the truth of course". And here is what I replied:
"I am happier..but it has nothing to do with my job. I hate my job with a passion..but it does me no good to bemoan it every day, I have to do it. I look better and am happier because I don't concern myself with YOU anymore. I don't try to make you happy, and your moods don't affect me any longer. You are not a concern for me anymore, period. Therefore, I am happy."
(the wind went out of his sails a little bit more)
Trust me when I tell you ..for every 'personal complaint he had' I gave him tit for tat and put the ball right back in his court. I stayed on top all evening.
I did not disappoint my fellow crones!

Now, the whole time we've been having this conversation, he's been extremely 'loving'..touching me, scratching my back, running his fingers through my hair..little kisses, the tone of his voice was soft and gentle..he even tried to shed some tears..they were few, but he managed it.  And finally it came...the opportunity I was waiting for.

He said he didn't want our marriage over, he was crazy to think he could find anything better and could we please just give it one more shot.
My reply? "I could not give him an answer right now, I'd have to think about it and the reason was..because it won't matter how happy you are today..or how happy I am today, I am afraid the dementor still lives within you and will return at any moment..and that..I will not deal with any longer. I stopped dealing with that the last time you went ape shit and blew up on me..it was over for me then. 
(here it comes folks..the final blow) but let me ask you, if I decide to stay in this marriage, then I'm assuming I can give my two weeks notice at work right?"
The next words out of his mouth, let me know that what I suspected about this conversation all along, was true.... He said: "No..you have to keep working."
I replied: "So your telling me, we can keep our marriage intact only if I work, but if I quit, you don't want the marriage".???..............  (ding ding ding..bonus! you've just won an all expense paid trip to GOTCHAville)
The tone of his voice changed..and he said "yes..I even posted that in my online profile, I don't want to support anyone..period."
My reply? "Well, then no..if I have to work, then then answer is NO".

That is when Dementor came back..and that is when I knew there had been so much bullshit coming from his mouth for the last 2 hours I should have offered him some toilet paper and a breath mint! He changed and he no longer extolled on me..he ragged on me. He started bringing up the last three/six months when I had refused to cook him dinner and so on and so on..He could not think of the 4 1/2 years before all that where I cooked, cleaned and catered to him..the same one he just spoke of..now..I was all bad.

I tell you, men are evil...do you hear me..men are evil.

Oh..he did say "well at least we are decent roommates.." I replied back "No..we are not..I get tired of cleaning up behind you, roommates don't do that..each one cleans up after himself".
(he didn't like that either)

He just didn't get it either..."I don't understand, you'll work to live alone, but you won't work for us'..I told him.."I'm working to support me because it's YOU I can't live with..And let me ask you something..do you have all the  money you need right now to pay your deposits and such to move">
His reply was 'yes, and if I don't I'll use my credit card'
I said "good, then could we move the date up to May?" Oh my gawd did he get hot..the voice raised, deepened and
Him: "I've been busting my ass for hours to try and convince you ..
at this point..I shut him out..as he slammed his door and retreated to his cave for the night.

(see..at some point in the last week he has mentioned to me 'he didn't want to move his stuff...he had no one to help him and his back wouldn't allow him to pick up most of it..so I think some of this was about..he doesn't want to move his shit!)

I call this a win in my situation. I saw through the bullshit at the very beginning, I didn't let my guard down..but it makes me laugh to think he THOUGHT he could 'win me back' by being the gentle kind person he was ..instead of the monster he has become, when he was really just a zebra wearing nice pajamas. I think it pissed him off to no end that I did not fall for it. I really do..I'm positive of it.

There was much much more in the conversation, but it matters not to me anymore. What matters to me is I saw through his games, he KNOWS I saw through it..he knows his 'time here is over'..He will now, go about his life to find another to abuse for a while. And she too, if she's got a brain in her head will see through him eventually, because I know this..he will not change..ever. He is what he is..a Dementor. Even if you shave a zebra, he is still black and white stripes underneath.

Till next time

The Crone of Zebra shaving,

Sage