It's time for 'The rest of the story"

 Here we are again...it's nearly midnight and I'm still up. 

Things have happened recently and now ..I need to give that final update. (the rest of the story)
Then, I will move on from this in my life. Forever. 

So here we go. 
The dementor and I separated on Oct 28, 2018..(I say separated meaning..I said I wanted a divorce, I moved out of the bedroom and it was over.) 

Life had become..well, I just had enough. Our marriage had become, less than roommate status really. I was never spoken to and when I was it was with disdain. I was looked at like I was just a nuisance.

He had refused to take his depression meds for a year or better  (he didn't know I knew, he lied, said he was still taking them..I knew better, by the way he acted and he had not refilled them in over a year.) 

He did choose to self medicate with pain killers and sleeping pills. He had been at that for many years, it was getting worse. He was addicted and he was a different man. He was always angry, full of hate, for everything even so apparently me. 
One day, THE day I said I'm done,  he looked at me with absolute loathing, as if I had 7 heads and he seemed to deem me stupid on that day..ignorant even. Why? I was doing something he didn't understand or like..so in that instance, I was stupid. I was also...done. 

We only spoke when we had to. Dec of that same year, just before Yule and the new year of 2019 he moved to the next county in an apartment a few miles from his work...about 45 minutes from the house. 

We were in the midst of house renovations when all this happened. He left me high and dry with that. I was ok with it. I'm a determined women (a Taurus ..remember. Stubborn as fuck) 

So, for the spring and summer of 2019, I finished the house renovations. Painting and new flooring in the living room, kitchen, dinning room and master bedroom (a friend helped with some of the flooring). Cleaned up the yard, fixed and repaired the things that needed done. I had my second knee surgery and brought my grandson down to stay with me for a month (so he could help me get around after surgery).  Him and I cleaned gutters, mowed grass and repaired even more things. I took him home 3 weeks later and will be forever grateful for his help. For an 11 yr old, he was amazing. 

In the midst of all this, sometime in late July..one fine day while I was doing some repairing on the house a voice spoke to me..."GO..you need to GO". (WTH? I was a little befuddled and ignored it)

It wasn't long ..(maybe a day or three) when the voice came back, a little stronger, a little louder. "GO! You need to get out now!"  I ignored it, and I should have known better really. Sometime in early August..it screamed at me "GET OUT!" (I felt like I was in Amityville!)

It had more to say...it kept coming at me, all day that day. "You need to go, move, just get out, don't wait, you have to go NOW!" Finally, the voice was imploring enough that I did listen and made a phone call to my son in Montana. It was the only place I could think of. A million miles away from everything that was mine. My job, my home..but also a million miles away from a life I had been living for 20 plus years and one that was starting back at square one. What the hell for? 

From that moment, that point in time, it took  4 months and I was packed, loaded, delivered, sold and sitting in Montana by Dec 2019. 
During the next month over 1/2 of my personal belongings were sold, given away or donated. What was left was packed in boxes and stacked eagerly awaiting a new destination. I made the arrangements needed; time off, a plane ticket from Montana to SC and U-haul rental. The first Monday in Sept 2019 with the help of some work mates, we loaded the U-haul and the next morning, I helped my two German Shepherds into the front and took off bright and early, Montana bound. 

(I drove cross country with everything I owned. I think I left my sanity behind. What I was doing was crazy right? ) 

With my dogs and my personal belongings safe in Montana, I turned in the Uhaul and three days later flew back to SC to finish it all and tie up the loose ends. I had so much overtime on the books, I worked the rest of September and was done, but my official end date was the last of Nov. Which means, I got paid all the way into Dec. My house went on the market in late October (just before I left) and sold within a week..that sale fell through but another was right behind it. I left for good just before Halloween and took my time visiting family along the way to arrive in Montana, Yule of 2019. The final sale of my house went through on Dec 31. The divorce was final 2 months later, on Dementors birthday, Feb 7 2020. I wished him Happy Birthday. 
Total time from the day I said "I want a divorce' to the day I was completely gone, house sold and divorce final, 1 yr, and 4 months. 

In that short amount of time, life was changed for me forever. A change I made. What I find the most amazing in all this is. 

I listened to the voice. Everything, in the end, happens for a reason without a doubt, I know this now.  Just a few months after I arrived ..Covid hit and the world was 'shut down' ..and now I knew why the voice was so adamant. Life needs change to grow, or the mold will grow out of stagnation. 

And finally, here is where I have been blown away. 
On May 25 of 2021, just a short 1 year and 3 months after our divorce was final, 

My X Dementor passed away in his sleep. We don't have cause of death yet. My guess is the coroner will say 'heart attack'..but my gut tells me, overdose. Accidental? Probably..but in the end, the amount of drugs he was taking I'm sure will be the reason his heart stopped working. Whether the coroners report will state that or not, my gut tells me so and over the last 2 years of my life, if I've learned anything at all, listen to the voice that speaks to you and everything happens for a reason. 

We had not spoken to each other in almost exactly1 year (at his choice) I am sad about that really. 
Divorced we may have been, Un-communicative we may have been. 

It has still shocked the hell out of me. 

Where are we going?

 Some days I wake up in this handbasket and just ask myself, where are we going? 

I've seen so much shit and so much nonsense on the news lately, I'm running out of red flags. 

Something did come by me the other day however, that I had to stick in my 'OMG don't forget this' brain file. It was 'Deagel' site. What is the Deagel site..well, I'm still not sure. It's a military something said one place I looked, so honestly, I'm not sure. I'll be looking into it more. They do these yearly or semi yearly reports on the upcoming years..`10 or so. These reports include population growth and or losses. 

BUT 

Here's the rub. 
Back in 2015 (or before), Deagel put out their report and it graphed a HUGE population loss in 2025. Well peeps, this is 2021 and I don't have to tell you what has been going on over the last 12-14 months. We all know. We are all aware. I'm not sure if everyone is aware how the Virus or the Vaccine has or is effecting people...but I know there have been a few deaths. They've pulled one of the types of vaccines...blood clots, heart issues and various other things occurring in people who have received the second round. Even to death.  SO...that being said..is it true? who knows.
(I trust no one and nothing anymore. NOTHING...)

SO..onto other topics. 
Today is Sunday..it's my SEWCIAL Sunday. I've been calling it that for a while and try to sew on that day but haven't always stuck by it. (I'm kinda loose that way!) 

(Confession time)  

My life has no 'road ahead' so it seems. Sometimees..I feel stuck. I feel floating and just waiting for the right breeze to blow me somewhere. Anywhere but in the doldrums of lifes' seas. Of my lifes' ocean at least. I get I'm supposed to be here, but still feel stuck I guess as to my next 'move'.

Sad thing here is, I'm not sure which way to point my sail. I HAVE to do something. Last night the future haunted my ability to sleep. Thoughts of 'what to do'? 'where to go'? 'how to start'? 

I still dream that I could start a pagan convent..I really would. A convent of older women such as myself. 55+ Women who are of a self supportive attitude, but find themselves kinda stuck like me. Those who are at least of an openness in the faith department,  Where practicing your chosen faith with others or not would be acceptable.  Somewhere where older women who still find pleasure in the arts they love, from painting to gardening to yoga could practice those things on their own terms. With or without others to join them. Would be a dream. is a dream. 

This country have left the old to die, alone and without help. We have put things on the map, raised children, made it possible for people to continued on with our country, lifestyle and faiths, and here we are..forgotten and cast aside with no options available. What the fuck are we thinking. 

I must chant, pray think, eat, breathe on these things. I must find a way. 

Sage..

Crone of lifes doldrums

 Good morning all you silly old crones out there! (or not)

How you ever, had deja vu?? 

The term deja vu is French, coined by French psychic researcher Emile Boirac.  Deja vu literally means 'already seen'. It is sometimes called paramnesia and describes a feeling of having already experienced a situation, event or time. 
It seems to be a faint memory, but as it happens you cannot stop it and say what will happen next, because if you did, it would change the future or memory of your deja vu.

I've always had periods of deja vu throughout my entire life. Over the last few months, it's been hitting me again, often. 
I do believe it is at least an indicator that something is right, you are where you need to be. It's not so much a faint memory of what has happened, (although I don't discount this) but it is at least a knowledge that someone or something from the other realms.. spirit guides, family spirit, whatever you choose to use is giving you some indication that you are in the place you need to be. 

Right now, this is comforting to me. With all the life changes I have created, caused and experienced in the past year, I am happy to know my deja vu is an indication that 'I'm in the right place'. 

(Cause sometimes I wonder! )

I was a lazy witch yesterday...wait..for the past two days I was a lazy witch.  I mean, I accomplished a few things, but few is the key word here. Instead of working on what I need to work on (Mainly my brothers quilt) I absolutely have avoided it like the plague and played SIMS for the past two days. 

ALL.  DAY.  FOR.  TWO.  DAYS! 

Is this bad. So, I'm going to ask you crones out there this question.

Do you feel guilty for doing nothing?? Do you feel guilty for doing what your heart wants for a day or two??
This guilt is something I think that comes from the me who is me and the way I was raised. 
All my life I've been a 'busy' person. I very very rarely ever did 'nothing'. 

And growing up, with the parents I had, you were not allowed to do "NOTHING" ..we always had chores.

You either helped with the cooking, washed the dishes, cleaned, mowed or something. NEVER were you allowed to sleep in or sit about just taking up space without being productive in one way or another.

** we interrupt this  post with an important message...I'll be back to finish this later..must run

Enchanted Celtic Music | 432 Hz Nature Music | Magical Forest Sounds

 You know...sitting here browsing on my computer, watching things..some of this, some of that,  you tube, blogs, pinterest, etc. I realize, some of the art I'm seeing  (usually touted as 'new ideas') I've done before..years ago when it wasn't of interest to anyone. 

Only me. 

People thought I was crazy, people poo pooed it..art was only on a canvas hung on a wall. 

I've done them and gave them up and moved on to what was acceptable. 

After negative reactions to my 'art' (not because it was bad,..but because it wasn't worthy to be called 'work' AKA....the x)
I finally just moved on and didn't do art anymore. It wasn't looked at as a viable way of life, a decent living or even sometimes a moral one. 

I gave up so much of me because I followed what everyone else said was 'just and right'...Everyone else. (X)
Pay attention to that phrase..""Everyone else. Here's the rub." Everyone else" is gone. And now, it's only me.

Only me.

And the creative, wild and sassy artist I once was has been dead and buried for a long long time. Just like the musician I once was. Squished down so hard, scorned and looked at like *I* wasn't viable. *I* wasn't doing 'anything with my life'. (aka 'working') Dead. Dead. Dead. 

Now I get pissed off when I see people on You tube making the things I once did in my youth, and becoming well known for it, making money on it and most importantly being themselves. Being an influence on the free spirit of others by being themselves. Being free to be themselves. And for me..it's only me. No free spirit, no creativity, no influence.

Only me. 

I wonder if resurrection can occur twice in a world?

I remember so many times saying " i want my job to be my art...I want to make things" and everyone else said 'it can't be done'...everyone else said 'people aren't going to buy homemade things'... everyone else said 'you're wasting your time'. (There is no more 'everyone else...it's only me.)

Who was to blame for this death? There must be a murderer among us. Who is to blame? Only me.

Only me. 

Sage, the only me

Well well well. Here we go.( Useless RANT AHEAD)
I have come very far in life, far enough to know that I don't need anyone elses rules and regulations dictating who I am. 

I can't believe that some people have become so pansy assed  that they cannot stand a 'simple' cuss word..and really..is it even a cuss word? That word being 'hell'. It's a place according to  Christians and many other religions. For the life of me how a place is deemed a cuss word..well that's like saying 'mars' is a cuss word. Maybe I should use Pluto since we kicked him to the curb! And for that devout Christian that deleted my post..I want to make sure you understand..HELL is a PLACE and if your Priest, preacher , father or Mumbo Jumbo king talks about it how the fuck will you deal with it ..delete them too?? Let's not forget your  good book mentions it..are you going to banish it from your existence?? 
Can  people have their heads up their ass so far that they must dictate every thing every person within their realm  says or does?? Seriously.

So..I made a post..and I used the word "hell" 2 x's .and made the mistake of also typing the phrase "that'll go over like a fart in church".. My post was deleted. DELETED..for Hell and fart. OHMYFUCKING gawd! Are you for real?? 
Well, I'm just a stubborn ol crone of a Taurus..so when I discovered this, I went through every post I had made, or replied on (I found most at least) and deleted those bitches and left the group. Will it make a hill of beans to those that were in the group..nope. But it made a hill of beans to me. They were not my tribe. And this I now knew for sure. Accept ALL of me as I am or accept NONE of me! Period.

I'm a cussing, pot smoking, wine drinking (both on occasion) crone! I'm a hippie out of time a teen of the 70's. I'm a crafter in all things artsy fartsy and of the craft to boot..witchcraft that is. Like me  and accept me as I am, or not at all. 

I am having the hardest time finding a tribe honestly. Seems I'm the last of a dying breed. A breed of old farts that aren't afraid to spew the proper cuss word when it fits, when I find it works.. Damnit it all to hell..I'm an adult not afraid of using adult language! What has happened to those like me?? Where are they?? 

Seriously though, I don't know if I have a tribe, or if I do I feel I shall never find them. 
I'd like to. 
I'd like to find just the right tribe that would golden girl with my ass into a home that we could live in till we croaked. But, seems like 'merica' doesn't want us old farts to have that type of freedom..they've done just about everything they could to make that impossible and almost illegal!  

Brits can do it, Canucks can do it, even the ladies in Africa can do it..but 'mericans'?? fuck no. "Merica doesn't make any money off you finding freedom. So that means you're not allowed to do it. 

All that said and done, I'm not sure I'm cut out for 'social media'. I'm thinking it over. 

Till next time...
Sage, the cussword queen!

 First..an FYI. Just to let you know, I don't post for you...I write for me. Read it or don't..doesn't matter much really. 

With that being said. 

Life has taken such a strange turn as well as series of events over the past year or so. Sometimes I'm totally not sure how to deal with it all. 

Things aren't exactly as I thought they were and I'm not saying this is a good thing or a bad thing. It just is and perhaps soon I may find out what it's all about..life that is, my own, where I don't consider anyone else. 

I shall talk in code that I understand, and you the dear reader may never. 

The two dreams

The first dream is non existent, truly a dream of a dream it never comes to a reality. It comes in silence. The silence laced with a care deficit is immense, ever and again overpowering. 

When that silence is broken the heart cries with angry bitter tears the color of rage. Never seemingly understood and always misunderstood. Words fly, eyes spark in anger and the chasm widens. 

The thoughts of  loving family flutter as ashes beside the imaginary hearth into the wisps of the dream. Gone. Grasping in the morning light what you can never remember though try as you might. 

The second dream is a silver lining, the deal or so the illusion. Progeny allotment torn from the weaving of life by the stroke of the gavel.  Control the love or love the control as a king in a castle. 

Empathic hostility for the intrusion. Animosity with each bite. Let the tears fall where they may drummed on the throne. Offspring be damned, seclusion and solitude must remain and and so be it! 

The time is mine and not yours, they love one more and lo' that cannot be. Control the love or love the control. Soon erased the venerable will be and gone will find life truly alone. 

Sometimes...just sometimes, there are people who just by their very nature are not a match for you in any way..I'm not talking 'romantic relationship' way, I'm talking friendship, family, general acquaintance.. there are just some..that rub you the wrong way, send out vibes that you don't care for..there are just some people ya know..just some. 

I've met a few. Probably more than I would like. I can read the vibes..they aren't good, they are almost vile, hateful, angry. Some portray jealousy, some ooze anger, some just reek of irritation. 

I usually just leave when I feel that type of emotion ... I guess this is empathic?? No..it's more clairvoyant. I can sometimes "TELL" what another is emitting ..not necessarily what they 'feel' but ..well maybe it is. Like..I can tell when someone is NOT happy with a situation..the vibes are 'off'..especially if they are directed at me. If someone is feeling one way or another, about or to me, then yeah, I can read it, and read it very well! It's not that I feel what they feel, but I feel what they are conveying. Mind reading, phsychic ability, transference..whatever you want to call it..it's there and it's prominent for me. For everyone. ALL.THE.TIME. 

So with all that said, have you ever felt 'homeless'..not physically without a home, but homeless as in, your soul, your body, your mind doesn't fit anywhere in the life you have made. You don't mesh with anyone you currently have around you, your soul doesn't connect with another. In friendship, common ideas or lifestyles. It's almost that you feel 'unwanted' wherever you go?? I'm on that precipice right now. I'm not truly wanted anywhere I go. My soul does not mesh with another. 
What does a homeless soul do in a situation such as this. It's not like I can put an add in the paper that reads "wanted, other homeless souls in search of connection in some way shape or form" 

Pfft.it's a dark time for me, just a dark time. I guess when the dark times come one can always look forward to the light at the end of the tunnel right?? 

Perhaps I will find mine next week.

Speaking of next week, I'll be on the road again. I plan on leaving here Monday (if not before) and heading home. Things aren't quit good where I am right now, and it's time for me to be about the business of my life and moving forward in it. I still constantly think about the nomadic life and it pulls me. Still. Always. 

You know, sometimes you can get really lost!

 H E L L O W MY FELLOW CRONES!! 

The time has come. I can't explain it all, and it's confusing even to me, but it is truly time for a resurrection here. and on a few other blogs I have.  I've got much to talk about, share and divine with each of you! I'm done with FB hell, I'm not the twittering kind and hell, I don't even know the names of most of the others.  Either way, it's time to go back to some old fashioned blogging and some old fashioned 'forum' chat..(That part will be long in coming for a while) ANYWAY

I'M BACK!! And, I'm single. I'm still a little lost and if you go back and read the blog from beginning to end, you'll discover why I'm single. I finally had enough! Enough of him, enough of my job, enough of it all! To give you a heads up on it..I am no longer living where I was..I'm gone gone gone! SOLD SOLD SOLD to the highest bidder! 

Busy as all get out right now getting this in some working order, but I will return and put it all to virtual paper for all to read and because I need to. I need to put my life in one place somewhere, so here is where it will be. 

TO all you crones out there, life does continue on, it may be different and you may have to do some adjustments, but that keeps your mind fresh and your wit strong. Hang in it's all gonna be alright!

Let the eagles fly!