Math is hard

Life sure does have it's ups and downs..we all know this.

I just haven't decided yet, if I'm on an up swing or a down swing! LOL

The new job is............well, it's a job.
I semi like it..and I semi don't.
They have pushed very hard to get me 'power trained' ..it's the best way to describe it.
Here's what I mean.
As a lower level manager, there are certain 'corporate' things I have to know, comply with and learn, along with basic store 'management' details. According to their 'official' training manual (of which I did not get) there are 3  levels of training that I should be going through in order to reach the management position I have been hired for.  I am supposed to be finished with 'level 1'training after 40 hours, 'level 2' after another 120 hours and finally 'level 3' after another 40 hours. Total amount of hours.........200.
I started my job on Sunday of last week..one week ago today. I had worked a total of 2 days (appx 10 hrs) when on the third day and the beginning of my shift, I walk in and the current manager said to me "we have to get you through all your training tonight..up to and including level 3."  SCUZE ME?

"yep, Bryan wants you trained so that you can be given alarm codes and such so you can open and close the store by yourself ASAP"...............UHMMM..I DON'T THINK SO!

Not only was I supposed to 'power train'..but the current store manager and I were supposed to get it done DURING WORKING hours. ................."YEAH RIGHT!"

Needless to say, we didn't get it done that day ..but, information was shoved into my head for the next 2 days.
How many hours have I worked there? Total: 22
Now..minus 22 from the 200 I'm supposed to train for and you get??  178 more hours of training left. Am I going to get it? NO
Today when I go into work, I have to partake of a 'phone conference testing' with Bryan to see if I pass and can be given the alarm code. (I received my keys on day 3).

REALLY?
Am I ready? Not even!
Will I pass? Doubtful
Am I happy about this? PFFFT!

I've done all I can to 'crash course' some of this stuff this morning..it is not sticking.
This company has more acronyms then the fucking dictionary! (and I'm supposed to know them all!)
This company has NO TRUST in it's employees whatsoever. That is no lie.
Example: All the cameras in the store and not aimed at the door and the floor where customers are..ohh no..they are aimed at the employees.

 <BLINK BLINK!>
WHY?
A portion of the training information that has been shoved into my head has been about 'policy' and theft. (by employees) Maybe..just maybe I've been out of the 'retail' business too long. Do employees really do this type of stuff..? I mean..REALLY?
The rest of the training has been...........OHMYGAWD kinda shit. Acronym after acronym of this and that and what you need to do daily and emails and category counts and where to go for this information and so on and so on..
The basic training of the meat of the store, like "HOW TO FRIGGIN CHECK SOMEONE OUT AT THE REGISTER has been..catch it if you can! JJJEEEEESUS KEEERIST!

You're kidding me right??

Oh..and well, I can't take smoke breaks either..........GASP!! No..I cannot even step out the front door (with the store being empty mind you) and take a quick smoke..nope. A manager has to be IN the store at ALL TIMES! Even if another (non manager) employee is in the store..you cannot step outside!   WTH?

oh..and you can't sit down at any time either!...............what? A shift without a break or the ability to rest your feet for a moment?? Excuse me?
NOPE..........

Ohh..and those 32-40 hours I was told I would get..Hmm He must have meant every TWO weeks..cuz as it stands..I'm getting about 20 hrs a week.
Now..mind you, for part time, this is great..but..when you consider that I have to travel 38 miles round trip to and from work for a shift...and in order to get those 20 hrs a week, they are splitting it up into shifts of 3-7 hrs..how many times a week do I have to drive that 38 miles. 5. Five is the answer here.
5x's 38 = that's almost 200 miles. 200 miles in my car will cost me about 60 bucks. My paycheck for 20 hours, minus taxes is only going to be about 120. Now minus 60 for the gas (not to mention the miles I'll be adding to my car!) and you tell me...........is working this job going to 'pay me'??  (just in case you don't want to do the math..that leaves me about 60$ to deposit in the bank) ..uhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Probably not is the answer here. Probably not.

So as I said at the beginning of this post..life sure does have it's ups and downs..and I just cant' seem to figure out if I'm on an upswing or a downswing.
............................but I can figure out math..and the math is not calculating in this equation.

The Crone of Corporate Yo'yo's

Sage

Wine thoughts

This will be short and sweet, I promise.


Let me say this..so you'll know. (and some day I may divulge all, but for now)
In life, we all make decisions that we HAVE to make.

No questions. No changing your mind.

Some decisions are brought about due to morals, goals and past or fore knowledge of a situation.
Either way, we choose and decide upon things that cannot ever change again.

Once that decision is made, there is no going back. Period.

The sad part of all this is..
...when you are faced or presented with what you gave away for what you made a decision to keep.
It's still out of reach, and always will be.......................and it hurts more then you will ever know.

Till it happens to you.

The Crone of decisions

Sage

A new gamer on the scene

Here we are again...and I can honestly say, my life has been candy. Meaning..sweet since I don't have to deal with mini hitler!  ATILLA is no longer a part of it and I can say I'm glad glad glad!

My new job has been daunting and they want you to learn a lot quick quick quick. Tonight I suffer from burnout for sure, but alas, it's all good I suppose. I was paid for a few hours on Friday when I filled out the 'new employee paperwork..I worked Sunday from 2-6 and again today from 6-9:30ish. I'm off tomorrow and go back in Wednesday morning (9am) to learn 'opening' (only for an hour or so) then back to work at 3pm till close.

From what I could see today, I'll be working Fri, Sat and Sun of this week too. This is all good. The more I learn, the better.
It appears we don't have a 'lead manager' at the moment..(I mean we do, but she's not normally here, she's  a fill in from Charleston who will be leaving in a month and my gawd does she know her STUFF!) so she told me tonight that once they decided 'what they are going to do or bring someone in' she'll be going back to her store. ..so we could have a new lead manager soon.
I can tell you, it's a lot to learn..and tonight the input of so much information made my brain hurt! HOWEVER..that being said, I'm doing pretty good at learning a good bit of it. I'll be closing by myself on Wednesday, given my keys and my security codes, etc, etc..and I'm not sure I'm ready for it, but alas..I have no choice really. It's do or die at this point. LOL

And of course, tonight was the night that I bought my system. Yep..a gaming system..an xbox 360 w/250g HD and Kinect along with 4 games. I mean, seriously, how am I supposed to know anything about 'gaming' systems if I don't own one??   Well, now I do. :) I'll hook it up tomorrow and give it a go. We'll see what I think if it. And..since I bought it at my store..I saved over $100, so I am pleased with this.

I can honestly say, I think I'm ready for bed..my brain hurts..really. I'm on overload.
So I'll say farewell for the night. This addled brain is surely going down for the count.

The Crone of 360
Sage

Gamers and a LONG post!

Life sure is funny. And sometimes confusing. (it's also a pain in the ass!)

Let me give you a recap of the last 4 days of my life. If you read from the last post, you remember that Atilla didn't come to work Mon, Tue, or Wed of last week. We all had our fingers crossed that she wouldn't come in on Thur, or Fri either, but alas, she showed up on Thursday and ruined everyone's day!

It just so happens, that all our work was caught up and ahead a bit and Atilla was finding it hard to find things for me to do. She tried to 'pimp' me out to another team, but alas, no one needed an extra hand. Now I have to say I truly truly hate it when there is not enough work to keep me busy because that's when Atilla keeps me next to her showing me new things to do and riding my ass even harder. I HATED being 'without work'..it meant I would constantly have to work with her. EGADS!

Her four days off did nothing to change her attitude...trust me.

By 10am I was pissed. She was surly, rude and completely in an egotistical state of mind. She pulled me to learn another girls station (she was absent that day) and I had no problems doing the job, it was easy as pie..and got finished with all the work she had given me in about 20 mins.
Atilla did not like this..no no no she didn't. She got irritated ...again. So she grabbed me and took me to another machine and showed me how to work it and set me to doing that. Again..I had finished all that in about 20 mins.
The time now is about 15-20 minutes before our lunch break..and having already dealt with her pissy assed attitutde for about 2 hours, I was just about fed up.
When I had finished again she looked at me and said (in a very negative way, loud and with malice I might add
"Well then, you can just fix yourself another box to work on..come with me!"
And she took me up front near her desk to pull flags from a bin and put into a rolling cart. They had to be placed in a specific way, and make sure to not let them drag (she yelled that at me by the way) and so I started pulling flags. She didn't like the way I was pulling them, nor the speed in which I was doing it..it was too slow for her and well, that's all it took for her to start in on me....again.
She yelled ,"This is production MAN!..you're too damned slow!, you need to pull them and get them in the cart!
I replied back (irritated too I might add).."I'm just making sure they aren't dragging..it's what you said..to make sure they don't drag!"
She replied: LOOK! I've done a whole cart and you're just finishing your first one........." then she turned away from me and bitched about the laziness of people and other things that I could not hear.While she slammed and threw things about.
That was it for me man. I was done. I could not deal with this anymore.

I took the cart..did what needed to be done with them on both machines..as soon as I was done, our lunch bell rang.
I went to my station, grabbed all my personal items..walked to the time clock and clocked myself out.
I then went straight into the office and said
"I'm going home for the day, because if I don't I'm going to punch someone in the nose and be arrested for assault. I can no longer work with 'atilla'..either switch me to another team or consider this my resignation effective today!" I was pissed..and she knew it.
The girl sputtered and jumped up..asking me to at least speak with 'Dave' our head guy (he's about 3rd down on the totem pole of owners/important people"
SO..to make a long story short..I did talk with Dave, gave him the same options I had already stated..and then I went home. Taking all my things with me, with the promise that I would call back at about 3 to see what they had decided. Needless to say, that call back didn't produce a good outcome. Dave informed me that right now they just did not have a place they could place me, but he had talked with Atilla and steps were being taken to correct the issues, so would I please come back and give it a few weeks. The answer was.."I can't give you an answer right now Dave, I need to think on it" He agreed and we hung up.

Bright and early Friday morning, I was up. I tweeked my resume a bit more, made 6 copies, dressed in a decent casual wear and hit the road by 8:45.
I went everywhere! From all the factories we have to a 'mobile home' selling place, to rent a centers and to local stores. NOTHING..do you hear me..nothing. HOWEVER what I did find was that many many many of the places I went to wanted you to fill out the application on line.
Now, mind you, I had done this already with many of these places, but the idea that someone is only going to look at a computerized 'application/resume' and decide on that alone whether they want to go to the next step..bothered me. What happened to human interaction? this was crazy. I was now depressed..I was upset..and I again felt so stuck it wasn't funny.
Now, this particular Friday was "Rita Friday" and all the girls had plans to meet and have Rita's and lunch at 11:30.
the time was now 10:45 and I was already tired..in and out of the car, in and out of the car, talk talk, in and out of the car..see what I mean?
So here I am..sitting in the shopping center parking lot in front of Walmart and the strip mall of stores. (sigh) I sat there..for about 10 minutes. At this point, I figured WTH..let me go drink a Rita while I wait and began to pull out. When I did I scanned down the row of stores and saw "GameStop"...
"Hmmm..I could treat myself to the newest 'Sims' expansion....Why the hell not!" So I parked, shut off the car and walked into the store.
The young lady behind the counter looked up when I strolled in and said "HI! How are you today?!"
That was it..I knew I needed to relax or something..and in a joking manner I slumped my shoulders..got a sad look on my face and said "You would have to ask me that wouldn't you?" and then I smiled.
It was over after that..she was laughing and we were talking..I was bemoaning the job hunting was horrible..and that the human interaction was gone from searching for a job, now everyone had to apply on the net..and how could they know anything about me just by looking at a resume and on and on we went. For about 10 minutes.
Then she looked at me and said "Do you have management experience"? Well of course I do! She handed me an application and we continued to chat while I was filling it out. Suddenly the door opened and a man came in with his arms loaded with products and things for behind the counter. I figured he was just another employee of the store. I continued filling out the app and the young lady behind the counter finally said to the man.."She's filling out an app for the manager position"..he turned to me, gave me a hardy hand shake introduced himself as "Brian" and we began talking. We talked of games and gaming, of sports cars (he was drooling over mine) and life in general. We laughed and had a nice conversation. He took my app and scanned it and we talked some more. He told me then he'd "make sure the lead manager got my app and then she would schedule me for an interview and then you'll have a second interview with me."
Wow..this guy must be someone a bit higher then I thought!
We chatted a few more minutes and I left the store  heading for 'Ritaville'. I was in the store almost an hour. WOW!
(and I did buy my expansion too!)
When I got to the restaurant noone was there..I sat outside and ordered my first Rita. After 1/2 an hour of eating chips and sipping the Rita, I realized I had been stood up. So..I called Dementor and said "I'll treat you to lunch and a rita if you get up and come meet me" he agreed and 45 mins later he was sitting down at the table. He said to me "A girl named 'Stephanie called from a 'Gamestop" place and wants you to call her immediately..and Dave called"
I was in shock. I had only been gone from the store an hour and she had called already! So..on the spot I called her back..her exact words to me were "I understand that you had a very impressive impromptu little interview today!?" I was floored. We talked, I told her I could meet her in a hour and do an interview"

So..two ritas down..I went to an interview! LOL..anyway, when I walked in, the young lady behind the counter that I had spoken with previously came to me and said "You made quite and impression with Brian! When Stephanie got in here, he grabbed your app, slapped it down on the counter and said "Call her..ASAP! Get her back in here..you don't want to miss this one". Then she told me "Your timing couldn't have been better..Brian is the regional manager!"
Again..I was floored. Needless to say the interview went GREAT..and I was offered the position of Manager (one of 2..and the lowest one of course) with opportunities to move up very quickly in the company. Stephanie told me I was absolutely awesome (and yes, that's the word she used) and she couldn't wait to work with me. By the by..Stephani is the lead manager.
So..I now have a new job..as manager of "Gamestop" (and if you don't know..gamestop is a store that sells 'games for computers, xbox's, ps2'..etc..you know..gaming systems that you hook up to your tv)

I got paid for 2 hours while I filled out the new employee paperwork..and my first day is today..I go in at 2. The hours will be random and it won't always be full time. I'll be working anywhere from 30-40 hrs. a week..and unfortunately, much of it will be nights and weekends, but hey..I'm ok with this.
WOOHOOO! I'll be an official "game techy'! LOL

Now..back at the ranch..remember, Dave had called and left a message. By the time we got home it was a little after 6 and I just had to call and tell 1 of 5 the news. So I called the daughter..she said to me "A Dave called me earlier..and wants you to call him..he gave me his personal cell number."
<blink blink>
Ok..so I took the number, got off the phone and called him.
It seems they did some twisting and shifting and could offer me a position on another team..making $8 and hour. I told Dave I appreciated all that he had done to work with me, but alas..I had already acquired another job. His reply "WOW!..ok then..ALREADY?" Yes Dave..already.

Needless to say..I wont' be going back to the local sweat shop!
Better yet, I NEVER EVER EVER have to lay eyes on Atilla again!!!

The crone of 'gamers'

Sage

OH..PS: When I got home and off the phone, I was doing some general cleaning up/picking up of the house..and I just happened to run across a fortune that I had saved from a chinese fortune cookie..it read:
"Out of confusion comes new patterns"  How true.

Saddle Sores and Body Betrayal

This past weekend I was 'out of town' helping a friend. Her life had taken a change for the better and her house needed to change too. It was a cleansing in more ways then one. A crew of friends and colleagues showed up at her door to 'wipe the slate clean' for her. In two days time we had her house sparkling, reorganized and semi decorated, giving her a new lease on the upcoming adventure of life she was about to embark on.
When evening came at the end of the first day, we went outside and called the spirits to watch over her and her home, and to banish any old haunts that might be hanging around..inside, outside and internally.
The best part about it all was..we had such fun doing it. 
It made me wonder, what if a group of people (your close friends) bombarded your home once a year, to kabitz, deep clean, eat and spread blessings all around..how would you feel?...and the next month everyone went to another in the group, and another..
Something makes me think this was the way it was ...once upon a time. A true 'clan'..by birth or choice, but a clan nonetheless. I think, even though I've never 'had' that type of 'clan' family, my soul misses it.
Something like I read once in the book "Clan of the Cave Bear" by Jean M. Auel .. "the clan had the memories of their ancestors". I wonder, if we miss something we never had ..is it our 'clan memories'?
Something to ponder.


And now..the newest work saga:


Here it is, Wednesday and so far, I've made it through 3 more days at work.
I'll be going back tomorrow too.
With my fingers crossed.
And a major wish spell on my lips.
Just like I've done all week.
See..Atilla didn't come to work on Monday..or Tuesday....or today.
So tomorrow I'll hope for the same thing.
We were told yesterday she wouldn't be back until Wednesday..and we were told today she wouldn't be back till Thursday so there is always hope that she won't be back till Friday..or better yet, MONDAY!
Then my week will be decent.
We've been busy as all hell this week, trust me! I've gotten more accomplished this week then in the previous few weeks simply because 'she' wasn't there to goad, snarl, snicker or ride me like hell!

She was so busy riding me all last week, I had to check my ass for saddle sores!
(I swear, I found two!)

And now..the continuing marriage drama:

I'm not saying much at this point except this. Due to circumstances that I cannot control at this point..(read: Financial instability, no available jobs and simple insanity) Dementor and I are giving this marriage another shot.
He has agreed to

• see a doctor about his problems and possible depression. 
• two 'date nights' a month (for now) where we have fun spending time with each other (out or not)
• one project/hobby for fun that we can do together
• and one project 'the house' that we work on as a couple with ultimate goals in mind.

I have agreed to

• keep a job (whether full or part time) and no..this was not a requirement of his..but of MINE

Can I forget all past problems and issues?
Not right now, but I'm trying to not make them a part of the future either.
Will I ever be off my guard about 'him' and his ways? Probably not.

I will say this, we've already had one date night and by gawd, we had a blast!  I took him bowling and out to dinner. I beat him bowling (2 to 1) and dinner included a table on the patio while we listened to live music for 2 hours. We really really had a good time.

It's only a start but..at least it's a start.

And finally the menopausal part of life.
I swear to you, I think I hate my body.
Let me remind you..For over two years I've suffered the 'symptoms' of menopause. ALL of them to a degree. Even going without a monthly cycle for 8 months. Then..I swear my body betrayed me and boom, the cycle started back again. I've had it again for 5 months. During those 5 months, the menopausal symptoms decreased. Hey..I was kinda happy about this.
THEN..my body betrayed me once again...and I've been 2 months without a cycle. And for these last two months, ohmygawd the power surges are back with a vengeance!
I think to all the world that I'm going to start melting, and one of two things will happen..they'll find nothing but a puddle at my work station and think that I've simply walked out and quit my job and left them with a mess to clean or that the hubs will come home one morning and find something similar in the bed and think I've run off with another man leaving a mess for him to clean up. Yep..I swear, I feel like I'm melting..from the inside out!

The hot flashes/power surges are so bad at work..that I've had to invest in a small personal battery operated fan. (bought it 3 weeks ago) It takes 2 D cell batteries..I've gone through 6 already. Need I say more? 
I refer you back to this post..read it just for the giggles of it, but damnit ol miss mitchell..It's HOT in here!


The Crone of HOT Saddle sores

Sage

Stuck in the middle with you

Yesterday went as expected. Atilla said very little to me all day and when she did, it was said with a tone of contempt and a 'you're so stupid I have to tell you everything' attitude.
Seriously, this is making me 'ill'. Ill in the fact that every morning, I get a nervous stomach, my heart races and my nerves are getting shot..just to know I have to face this women every day. I never know what to expect on a day to day basis. Ever.
It's always
 "Will she scream at me in front of everyone today?"
"Will she leave me be today?"
"Will she ridicule me today and call me 'lame' again?"
"Will she constantly fuss at me and grab my hands pushing me aside?"

Will she, will she, will she. 
I fucking hate this.
Let me explain something here..Anytime I've ever started a new job, the job contained 'training' of how things worked, what went where, where things went next, you know...a routine that was explained to you. You were then told where you would come in this 'routine'..and what was expected of you. Your job responsibilities.
NOT ONCE..I repeat..NOT ONCE was this ever told to me on this job. You go in everyday and have no clue as to what you're supposed to be doing this day. (at least I don't).
My position has never been established here. NEVER. One day I may be hemming all day, the next day I may be packing or patching, or folding or running rope. I can get pulled off these jobs at any time to do something else at Atilla's whim. Hell..there are sometimes (it's happened once or twice) where she has nothing for me to do and she'll tell me "GO! Do something!" (and she's done this twice when she was 'pissed at me and fed up with me) Well, damn..there is nothing. There's nothing to hem, nothing to patch, nothing to fold or pack. I end up sweeping and being as invisible as I can.  And trust me..if she see's me doing the 'nothing' she told me to do, she'll bitch and scream and yell that I am doing nothing! ARGHHH!!

Then there are those days when there are 3 bins of things for me to patch or hem..and I start doing those and..am happy to be busy and seeing the job before me..the suddenly Atilla will show up at my machine and say to me "This is not a full time job for you, you cannot patch and hem all day........This is not a full time job! You need to go help so and so fold"...(but yet..I'll get yelled at if those items are not done)....jeesus keerist..would someone please make up their mind!? 

I'm just about ready to make a choice that I didn't want to have to make. Just about.

I'm stuck. So friggin stuck.


I've never felt so stuck and with no options before in my life. The economy is so screwed that my options are nil or so limited it's amazing. I've looked for weeks..there are no job opportunities out there. It's not that I'm not qualified..there are NO OPENINGS! You don't know how many times I've heard that in the past month."NO OPENINGS"..gawd.


The crone of glue

Sage

Queen of Hearts

Well, here it is Wednesday..and Honestly..I'm not much better then I was yesterday afternoon. Yeah, I'm still kicking my ass for my mistake with that quickie job interview yesterday. I can always keep my fingers crossed though.
Again, today, I am faced with dealing with the sweat shop and Atilla...but it's almost like I've lost hope. I'm numb and going to work. I'm afraid I don't care anymore and that scares me. I'm stuck where I am and to keep trying elsewhere without any luck or possibilities just makes me feel...well, hopeless.
I swear, I feel a depression coming on. Funny that.
You'd have thought I would have had a depression come on in a big way when living with Mr. Depressed himself...you know what I mean? And I did to a degree, but not the same kind. I knew I could change that..this, what I'm going through right now..I cannot change. That alone is depressing as hell.

I cannot explain to you in words and make you understand or know how evil and vile this women is that I work for. I've heard a 100 x's over...'Just tell her, buck up against her"...people, there IS NO TELLING HER. She will not let you speak. She is the like the queen of hearts in Alice in Wonderland. The minute you attempt to say anything to her she starts screaming "NO! NO! NO!..I don't CARE! DO YOU THINK I'M HERE FOR YOU! I RUN MYSELF TO DEATH AND YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE IT HARDER FOR ME..I DON'T CARE! YOU KNOW NOTHING..ABSOLUTELY NOTHING..YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING! YOU'RE LAME!  NO NO NO!!!!
And she'll do this loud enough for the entire plant to hear. And you stand there..with your bare face hanging out, not knowing what to do, being ridiculed in front of everyone.  Near tears.

You stand there..dumfounded. Not knowing what to say and it wouldn't matter if you did..she'll over yell you and never hear you. You can take off to the office and tell them what's going on and they'll pull her in the office and try to talk to her, she'll rant and rave and stomp around in there and be told to leave the office..she'll get 'points' against her, but she'll keep her job. They won't fire her. It's happened tons of times with others before me already..and nothing is ever done. Ever.
In her book, you are a piece of shit, stupid a 'dumb ass white american'..and she hates us. She shows it too. She has no respect for you, none. She doesn't care what she calls you, what she says to you, she knows she'll not get fired, she knows she can get by with this kind of abuse..and trust me, she heaps it upon you..daily.
How would you feel to have to go to work daily (because you have no choice) and be told you're stupid, treated like you can't think for yourself..a pawn in her game of 'queen'..??

I've never in my life met anyone like this women. What I am about to say is going to shock the shit out of you, but Dementor has nothing on her. NOTHING.
It's like I jumped from one Dementor straight to the Queen of Dementors. Worse then what I was already dealing with. By a long shot.

(sigh) I must go get ready for my daily punishment.
Have a great day..

The knave of hearts

Sage

SMACK ME..!!

is this a bad time for me or what?

I'm so confused and unsure of life right now and need somewhere to talk and someone to talk to, so you are it.

I truly hate my job..and it truly doesn't pay enough.
Ok..let me retype that last statement.
I truly hate my supervisor and the job doesn't pay enough to put up with her shit.

I called in sick today. Was I sick? No..not really. I had been up since two..and I was sick (for a little while..the it was just.. sick of dealing with Atilla the hun)
What did I do? (after I got over the 'sick')  I went job hunting. I had the opportunity for a quick interview today..working in another plant, 5 miles from my home..and I so fucked it up. I know I did. I didn't answer something the way I should have and instead ..answered it with 'honesty'...
The guy asked me 'why I wanted to leave 'the sweat shop'..and I told him the truth..that the supervisor and I were not compatible..she was brash and well..when she got physical with me yesterday I knew it was time for me to go. That's what I said. SMACK ME IN THE HEAD OK!!
What I should have said was "Because the pay is based on production, and even though I'm on the highest producing team..there is a cap on the wages of 9.99.

And I know I fucked up because he ended the interview very quickly after that.
 DAMNIT DAMNIT DAMNIT!  

SMACK ME..someone SMACK ME!!!!!

I feel so bad for doing that..this so could have been my chance of escape from the sweat shop. SERIOUSLY..gawd. I'm so depressed over this..

And just a note, the 'physical' that Atilla got was minor..but she was on me yesterday bad..Yesterday I was her whipping post again. She grabbed my hand and slung it away ..she did this because I wasn't doing it 'her' way..she yelled "NO"..grabbed my hand and slung it away. Ok..not major in the physical market sure..but it still made me know..I DON'T WANT TO WORK HERE!"

And now..I've been all over town and there is nothing..do you hear me NOTHING available. (unless I want to work 2 or 3 different jobs to make up the difference!)

Even if I went "OUT' of town, the difference in pay would get eat up in gas and wear and tear on the car. Someone please tell me .............when it's important..WHY DO WE FUCK UP! wait..WHY DID *I* FUCK UP?


I feel so stuck. So damn stuck.

Shitty Days and Early answers

Ahhh...the end of a work week. Yes, today was my last day at work for this week, we get tomorrow off. Unfortunately, I won't get 'paid' for it since I have not been a permanent employee for 90 days..but hey..no  biggy.
I have a weekend full of events coming up. Today, I quickly mowed the back yard (well, as much as I could get mowed before the thunder started..which luckily was most of it). Tomorrow, I'll be heading out to the thrift store with 1 of 5 and the granddaughter..then it's pizza for lunch afterwards. On Saturday morning, I'll be making a brunch for all my kiddo's and then progressing onward to a backyard egg hunt. ..and to top it all off..the weather is supposed to be glorious!!

(right now I have a headache from hell..but that's what I get for drinking wine with no dinner. I have a good reason though..let me explain)

On Monday afternoon, I got home from work, to find that Dementor had packed most of his things (well, all the things that I had already transferred onto his hutch ..kitchen stuff..a few things that were scattered about the house..ya know). Anyway..he had packed them up into boxes and whatnot and he had fixed an area at the backdoor that was starting to show signs of leaking during heavy rains.
When I got into the house, he sat in the living room and said "you know, when I was packing my stuff..I got to thinking how much I enjoyed that type of stuff..and I realized just how happy I really am here..and how stupid it is for me to be leaving. I really want to stay here..married to you.
(**ding ding ding..this is a repeat of the same shit he said to me about a week ago..nothing new..no revelations..no epiphanies..same old same old.  All about 'him', not about 'us' or 'we')

(Oh gawd, here we go again)
Shortening this up..he again begged and asked and gave his reasons for why he was the way he was, apologized amazingly well...and then fell silent. He was waiting for me to buckle. First thing I did was asked him.."Well, I'll ask you again..if I say 'yes' to staying married, will I have to continue to work?"
His reply was calculated..and weighty..he also took a long time to answer it..I knew he wanted to say "yes" but  he knew..if he did..I'd say 'no' to his 'staying married proposal'
So with deliberate slowness he said "I'd like for you to..." and he let it drop off.
I told him "I cannot give you an answer tonight, nor will I make you any promises. I have to think about it, so give me a few days. I'll give you a final answer on Sunday"
He agreed and went on his merry way..as did I.

Come Tuesday we spoke again..on a few things here and there, but not much..I did say to him..that I'd like to talk to him some more on the subject, but the only days we would really have to talk were Wed and Thurs afternoons before he went to work. Since Friday and Saturday were going to busy family filled days 'talking' about things was not going to be possible. He agreed and said ok.
Come Wednesday afternoon..I had a question for him. After giving it some thought..and going over tons of things in my head I asked him this: "Are you asking to stay married for the marriages sake..or are you doing it simply because it's a pain in the ass to pack your stuff and move it..starting over again. Is it just easier for you to accept and stay or what?"

He didn't answer as I expected or hoped he would, instead he answered with something like this
"Well, I've listened to what you've had to say and I've listened to others and I know that I brood on the past way too much, and I like working about the house. I know I bitch about it..I may kick the lawnmower when it breaks or cuss at things when I have to fix them, but I truly enjoy fixing them and working about the house..and well, I know I always think that the grass is greener on the other side, but I've come to realize that I have a good life here and it would be stupid for me to leave and think it's going to be better elsewhere..and well, I do love you."

Now, you tell me..if your marriage was on the rocks, heading for the big D in the sky..and your spouse asked you the same question I asked him..would you're answer be anything like that?

Moving on..

The next thing I said was this: "We have no solid ground to work on. We don't like the same things..You're into sports, I hate sports. I like movies, you're not a big movie fan..and on and on. We have got to find some common ground in order to build upon it..so, would you agree to a 'date night' as cliche as it sounds, devoting Saturday nights or just two Saturday nights a month to each other. Going on 'dates', doing things TOGETHER..I'll do one Saturday night..pick where we go, what we do..and so on and it doesn't mean we have to go out..and you will do the next Saturday night. It may be "Ok, it's date night..get dressed we are going to town, eating Greek for dinner and heading to the theater for a live play, my treat.  or, simply grabbing cheese, crackers and a bottle of wine and playing Othello (a two player game) on the couch..with music in the background....how would you feel about that? 

"Well..I don't know...I guess I could try it. I'm not much into 'plays'..I'd probably not like it, but I'd go, cuz I know it would be something you'd want to do. But what if I don't feel like going out?..I mean, it's hard to say that 'every other Saturday' is 'date night when we don't know if either of us will feel like it..there are many times I come home and I don't want to do anything..and well, I may just not feel like it."

OH MY GAWD!....
(can we be more negative?)

Notice in the above statements, that my conversation contained a lot of  'WE' and his a lot of "I"??
A clue?
Add that to the fact that he did not 'sit' with me face to face during this conversation, he stood..and 'lorded over' the conversation..looking 'down' on me the whole time.
(body language anyone?)

Next day:
It's now Thursday, the second day we have a chance to talk. All day at work, I mulled things over and finally on my drive home from work, I decided I'd give it three months, at a time. If the first three months worked out, we shoot for a second three months. I could do this ..............right?

As I walked in the backdoor of the house, I get no immediate response. Hell, I didn't even know if he was in the house. After I had walked in..I saw his head sticking up above the back of his recliner and knew..he was sitting there watching...(can you guess?) sports..golf to be exact. (how boring can you possibly be?)
"Hola" came from his mouth. Not a move did he make, no further words came from his mouth.

(in my mind I'm thinking..'huh? Aren't we supposed to be trying to save our marriage? Is he that disinterested that golf is more important?) 
He says not another word to me, as I proceed to empty the dishwasher (with firmness I might add), heat up some coffee and use the bathroom. Nearly 10 minutes had passed before he finally said "How was work today?"
WTH?
Needless to say, let's make this shorter and sweet. I told him I wouldn't compete with his sports, and he slams the tv off, saying he'll never watch sports on it again..I mentioned we were supposed to talk today..and he starts screaming about how things can wait and what's so damned important that we have to talk today..
Suffice it to say ..I said "you know that answer you were waiting for..'the answer is "NO".
That's when he really got mad. He stormed about screaming about how 'there was no time frame on anything and what was so fucking special about Sunday or talking on Thursday for that matter..we can talk on Sunday".. and on he raved. 
All I pretty much said was "I promised you I'd give you and answer by Sunday..I can't do that without 'talking things through about our marriage."

He ranted a few more words.. huffed off to work, saying as he walked out ..'just let me know when you want me out of here"..and slammed the door. If he could have heard me say "Today would be good"..it would have been pie in my hat, but unfortunately, he didn't hear that. He was speeding down the road..pissed off.

I should have known..he did tell me previously "I can't put two happy days together..I never can manage it..one is good, the next, is always shitty"..and well, since yesterday was a good day..I suppose I should have known today would be shitty.
Guess what Dementor?  It was the wrong day to be having a shitty assed day..the answer is "NO"..


PS. It just dawned on me..going back through the posts I've made..Dementor has tried to 'rekindle' (in his own way) this marriage appx..every two weeks, until recently and now ..it's once a week. Is this desperation? The closer he gets to May 1..the more he tries. I'll say it again..too little, too late.