Well, here we are again. Another hour, another morning and another day of sweating. Gawd, the things we have to look forward to huh?
I do have some news on this Crones front. The Dementor started a new job and is now on day shift. Things are semi back to normal. Is this a good thing? For me, yeah, for him..not so much. He'd much rather work 2nd or 3rd shift. I'd much rather he stay days.
An odd thing happen to me this morning.
(What the hell am I saying.. during croning, NOTHING is odd anymore!)
I woke up mad as hell. For the life of me, I can't remember why.
I did know.
For a fleeting moment I knew why I was mad, but by the time my feet hit the floor and made the trek to the bathroom, I forgot.
Good thing too..or I'd still be mad.
The mad has gone away ...it has been replaced by procrastination.
I wonder which is the lesser of two evils?
One can always try to see the brighter side of things, and I do try. Really I do.
Look at it this way, at least I didn't wake up with a headache, the mad has dissipated and I've only had 3 'hot flashes' in the last hour. These are all good things............in comparison that is.
We watch a lot of 'old tv'. Shows like Bewitched, All in the Family, Sanford and Son. I guess it reminds us of younger days. Of course, it could be because the older shows are a much better choice then the crap that's on TV today. Reality TV is the worst thing I've ever seen in my life.
Anyway, the gods have been at work again, the other night this particular episode of All in the Family was on. Take 10 minutes out of your day to watch. It's hilarious, it's true, it's only part of the menopause drama, but it's enough to make you laugh. ENJOY!
Ohh and, if you want to watch the entire episode (25 mins) Just go to youtube and type in "All in the Family, Ediths Problem". Find the 24 min one and sit back to enjoy, no commercials. You can see the whole thing that way.
The Crone of Morning Madness
Sage
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Monday, September 26, 2011
The bad and the ugly
The one thing missing from the title..'the good', because today, there is none.
I've joked about in most of my previous posts, taken a lighthearted approach to the crones stage of life, but I'm here to tell you, it's not all a bed of roses.
There are those times when..sometimes you just feel like you'd rather be dead then to feel like you do.
I'm in one of those times.
(Ok...dead might be a stretch, but..it's close.)
Having been at this menopause thing for a decent amount of time, I'm starting to see some patterns.
The good, the bad and the ugly run in cycles.
Let's discuss this shall we?
(The following is MY two week cycle. Yours may not be the same. Milage may vary.)
Hateful hot flashes:
The cycle begins and they are constant..many times in an hour. They make you sweat and feel horrible with their electrical zaps, dropping sensations and heart flutters. They don't stop, you swear your body is a lake of fire.
This goes on for about 8-10 days or so. Maybe as much as two weeks. Then, it will subside...some. SUBSIDE does not mean go away, but it will calm down, to maybe 6 a day, not as intense or last as long.
The ugly is knowing the cycle will repeat.
Fake Captain Tripps; runs in the same cycle with the hot flashes
The bad is, you really really do feel horrible. Your body will ache, your knees will hurt, your back will be tense and sore and the muscles in your neck will tighten.
It's the same feeling you get the first three days of the super flu. Captain Tripps if you've ever read Stephen King's book The Stand (or seen the movie). It will coincide with the intense hot flashes.
All combined, you will truly feel like a dead woman walking. It is NOT good. It is truly Ugly.
After 3 or 4 days of the above 2..next will come:
Heartburn Hell:
This is pretty self explanatory but I have to add it, because it's the next symptom. Remember those hot flashes that are going on?..they produce lava. It will try to erupt into your throat on a constant basis. Tums will not work. You'll eat them like candy. I advise you 'don't. It will not help the basheful bowel symptom that is on it's way.
The Ugly Teaser Toss;
The next lovely addition to our list of bads is a feeling of nausea. Teaser Toss will visit you after Heartburn hell..with one leading right into the other, or matter of fact, sometimes happening at the same time. Oh yeah..it's ugly.
This comes and goes. At will. Random. You'll suddenly feel as if your going to toss your cookies. It will well up in you and you'll head for the bathroom, but then..it will go away and you're left with this 'yuck' feeling in your stomach. That feeling of 'anytime' now. But, you never will. It will just keeping doing this 'tease toss' for hours. That's ugly. There is no good in it.
The Hanging Headache:
Why do I call it the 'hanging headache'. Cuz it hangs around and hangs around. Never quite going away. It just hangs on. Eat aspirin..with your tums. :)
The Bashful Bowel;
Oh yeah, this is one we have not discussed before, but I'm here to tell you this will run in tangent with the bloat. Just after the Teaser Toss. Here's what happens.
You'll enjoy a nice dinner and unfortunately, your body will decide it wants to hold on to it. Your intestines will form a nice bubble around it to keep it safe. After you suffer a bad night of sleep, because you'll feel like you're laying on a ball ..the following morning the pain will come.
You entire midsection (which is now larger then it was due to that bubble..aka bloat) will Hurt. (that's hurt with a capitol H.....k!) It will feel like there is just tooooo much 'stuff' in there! It will look like it too.
That first cup of coffee will start the process of pain.
You'll hurt from just under your boobs to your crotch. You'll think you're being drawn and quartered (and if you don't know what that is..just do a google search. You'll see the comparison)
It will feel like someone is in there trying to rip your intestines out. DO YOU HEAR ME?
Your first bathroom visit will not produce as much as you KNOW is in there. There will be at least 3 or 4 of these visits.
You'll still be in pain.
It will take several hours for this to go away. And even then..you'll not feel right. Things just are slow going in the intestines department.
Try two days of this. THEN..you may start to feel 'normal' again.
Maybe it's time for some Activia. This is all ugly, there is no good. Period.
The worst part of all this, is they ALL COME ONE RIGHT AFTER ANOTHER..boom boom boom!
This torture will continue for about 2 weeks.
Did you read that? Be prepared.
Now tell me, what could be any worse then having all the things listed above happening?
Well, just think about this..
If all this is going on..at once..you're NOT going to be a happy camper. You'll be sullen, you'll want to be alone, you won't want to talk, you won't want anyone around, you'll want to wallow in your own seemingly self destruction all by yourself.
Now, put hubby in the mix.
This is where the ill temper will come into play. I warn you in advance.
That is the ugly truth of a menopausal cycle. A cycle within a cycle. As stated above, this will all last about ..10 days..to 2 weeks. Then, the storm will calm, the tide will flow out (but never go away) and you will get a week or so reprieve from the vastness of it all ..before the ugly cycle starts again. It never goes away completely, but the good of it is..it eases off. If it didn't ..we would go insane. Do you hear me..I tell you we would go INSANE!
The Crone of Insanity
Sage
I've joked about in most of my previous posts, taken a lighthearted approach to the crones stage of life, but I'm here to tell you, it's not all a bed of roses.
There are those times when..sometimes you just feel like you'd rather be dead then to feel like you do.
I'm in one of those times.
(Ok...dead might be a stretch, but..it's close.)
Having been at this menopause thing for a decent amount of time, I'm starting to see some patterns.
The good, the bad and the ugly run in cycles.
Let's discuss this shall we?
(The following is MY two week cycle. Yours may not be the same. Milage may vary.)
Hateful hot flashes:
The cycle begins and they are constant..many times in an hour. They make you sweat and feel horrible with their electrical zaps, dropping sensations and heart flutters. They don't stop, you swear your body is a lake of fire.
This goes on for about 8-10 days or so. Maybe as much as two weeks. Then, it will subside...some. SUBSIDE does not mean go away, but it will calm down, to maybe 6 a day, not as intense or last as long.
The ugly is knowing the cycle will repeat.
Fake Captain Tripps; runs in the same cycle with the hot flashes
The bad is, you really really do feel horrible. Your body will ache, your knees will hurt, your back will be tense and sore and the muscles in your neck will tighten.
It's the same feeling you get the first three days of the super flu. Captain Tripps if you've ever read Stephen King's book The Stand (or seen the movie). It will coincide with the intense hot flashes.
All combined, you will truly feel like a dead woman walking. It is NOT good. It is truly Ugly.
After 3 or 4 days of the above 2..next will come:
Heartburn Hell:
This is pretty self explanatory but I have to add it, because it's the next symptom. Remember those hot flashes that are going on?..they produce lava. It will try to erupt into your throat on a constant basis. Tums will not work. You'll eat them like candy. I advise you 'don't. It will not help the basheful bowel symptom that is on it's way.
The Ugly Teaser Toss;
The next lovely addition to our list of bads is a feeling of nausea. Teaser Toss will visit you after Heartburn hell..with one leading right into the other, or matter of fact, sometimes happening at the same time. Oh yeah..it's ugly.
This comes and goes. At will. Random. You'll suddenly feel as if your going to toss your cookies. It will well up in you and you'll head for the bathroom, but then..it will go away and you're left with this 'yuck' feeling in your stomach. That feeling of 'anytime' now. But, you never will. It will just keeping doing this 'tease toss' for hours. That's ugly. There is no good in it.
The Hanging Headache:
Why do I call it the 'hanging headache'. Cuz it hangs around and hangs around. Never quite going away. It just hangs on. Eat aspirin..with your tums. :)
The Bashful Bowel;
Oh yeah, this is one we have not discussed before, but I'm here to tell you this will run in tangent with the bloat. Just after the Teaser Toss. Here's what happens.
You'll enjoy a nice dinner and unfortunately, your body will decide it wants to hold on to it. Your intestines will form a nice bubble around it to keep it safe. After you suffer a bad night of sleep, because you'll feel like you're laying on a ball ..the following morning the pain will come.
You entire midsection (which is now larger then it was due to that bubble..aka bloat) will Hurt. (that's hurt with a capitol H.....k!) It will feel like there is just tooooo much 'stuff' in there! It will look like it too.
That first cup of coffee will start the process of pain.
You'll hurt from just under your boobs to your crotch. You'll think you're being drawn and quartered (and if you don't know what that is..just do a google search. You'll see the comparison)
It will feel like someone is in there trying to rip your intestines out. DO YOU HEAR ME?
Your first bathroom visit will not produce as much as you KNOW is in there. There will be at least 3 or 4 of these visits.
You'll still be in pain.
It will take several hours for this to go away. And even then..you'll not feel right. Things just are slow going in the intestines department.
Try two days of this. THEN..you may start to feel 'normal' again.
Maybe it's time for some Activia. This is all ugly, there is no good. Period.
The worst part of all this, is they ALL COME ONE RIGHT AFTER ANOTHER..boom boom boom!
This torture will continue for about 2 weeks.
Did you read that? Be prepared.
Now tell me, what could be any worse then having all the things listed above happening?
Well, just think about this..
If all this is going on..at once..you're NOT going to be a happy camper. You'll be sullen, you'll want to be alone, you won't want to talk, you won't want anyone around, you'll want to wallow in your own seemingly self destruction all by yourself.
Now, put hubby in the mix.
This is where the ill temper will come into play. I warn you in advance.
That is the ugly truth of a menopausal cycle. A cycle within a cycle. As stated above, this will all last about ..10 days..to 2 weeks. Then, the storm will calm, the tide will flow out (but never go away) and you will get a week or so reprieve from the vastness of it all ..before the ugly cycle starts again. It never goes away completely, but the good of it is..it eases off. If it didn't ..we would go insane. Do you hear me..I tell you we would go INSANE!
The Crone of Insanity
Sage
Friday, September 16, 2011
Bloat, barrels and 4:10
Let's talk about........
BLOAT.
It's all part of the Crone process too. Bloat. Yep. It's a nasty word for me.
There are two kinds of bloat I'll have you know. First there's the type that is 'water' based. You'll look down at your fingers one day and realize they look like pickles.
(where this idea of a skinny boney fingered crone came from is beyond me!)
You'll struggle to get rings off..to get rings on or to just use your fingers in general ..
(Cuz you won't be able to stop looking at them with unbelief!)
Then you'll notice your knees, you lower legs, your cankles and your feet! OHMYGAWD!
How in the hell do you get rid of this without taking a pill? Beyond me. I kick up the water intake and it usually dissipates by the following morning. Although..that's debatable sometimes.
(Just don't sneeze while drinking all that water! mm K?)
The next type of bloat on our list is 'air'. Yep..that's another nasty word..air or better known as gas.
When you get this type of bloat..you won't want to go out in public, nothing will fit and you will feel like crap! In my case, with the weight gain I've had over the last 2 years..and now the added bloat...you wanna know what I look like and feel like most days??
Yep..that's me. The same size all the way down. No kiddin. I have no shape anymore..(cept round). I know this because a trusted friend help me take my measurements a few weeks back..there is very little difference between the top and the bottom mmmk?
(I would think that a shape that resembles a beer barrel would be attractive to most men!)
Back to bloat. Now..if this is what I look like on a normal basis, imagine that with BLOAT!
It isn't your fingers that look like pickles anymore, your entire middle resembles an ever expanding beer barrel. Or better yet..a watermelon with legs and a head. From the neck down to the top of the legs sisters! You'll feel like one too.
ROLL OUT THE BARREL!
(That's what I go around singing anymore)
And if you lay down, thinking it'll go away..you'll look like this
No different, but getting up will certainly be an adventure!
How do we get rid of this? NO earthly clue. It seems to come and go at will..some days you will fart, some days you will not. Don't eat cabbage..mmmk?
And now..onto 4:10. Does this time mean anything to anyone? And just how many times can one person wake every day at that exact time and not suspect it's telling you something?
For the past many many moons, I have woke...looked at the clock and it reads 4:10.
WTH?
Do you find this weird? And I do mean many moons..try MONTHS. 4:10, 4:10, 4:10....I tell you, I'm just baffled about this time. I even went so far as to do a google search for it. All I get are 'bible' versus. Uhmm no. THAT is highly doubtful!
One more question for all you sister crones. Just how many times can one person wake up in the night and still consider it sleeping? This is getting ridiculous!
So there you have it..bloat, barrels and 4:10. Be prepared for the pickled barrel look. Stay home and fart.
The Crone of pickle barrels
Sage
BLOAT.
It's all part of the Crone process too. Bloat. Yep. It's a nasty word for me.
There are two kinds of bloat I'll have you know. First there's the type that is 'water' based. You'll look down at your fingers one day and realize they look like pickles.
(where this idea of a skinny boney fingered crone came from is beyond me!)
You'll struggle to get rings off..to get rings on or to just use your fingers in general ..
(Cuz you won't be able to stop looking at them with unbelief!)
Then you'll notice your knees, you lower legs, your cankles and your feet! OHMYGAWD!
How in the hell do you get rid of this without taking a pill? Beyond me. I kick up the water intake and it usually dissipates by the following morning. Although..that's debatable sometimes.
(Just don't sneeze while drinking all that water! mm K?)
The next type of bloat on our list is 'air'. Yep..that's another nasty word..air or better known as gas.
When you get this type of bloat..you won't want to go out in public, nothing will fit and you will feel like crap! In my case, with the weight gain I've had over the last 2 years..and now the added bloat...you wanna know what I look like and feel like most days??
(I would think that a shape that resembles a beer barrel would be attractive to most men!)
Back to bloat. Now..if this is what I look like on a normal basis, imagine that with BLOAT!
It isn't your fingers that look like pickles anymore, your entire middle resembles an ever expanding beer barrel. Or better yet..a watermelon with legs and a head. From the neck down to the top of the legs sisters! You'll feel like one too.
ROLL OUT THE BARREL!
(That's what I go around singing anymore)
And if you lay down, thinking it'll go away..you'll look like this
How do we get rid of this? NO earthly clue. It seems to come and go at will..some days you will fart, some days you will not. Don't eat cabbage..mmmk?
And now..onto 4:10. Does this time mean anything to anyone? And just how many times can one person wake every day at that exact time and not suspect it's telling you something?
For the past many many moons, I have woke...looked at the clock and it reads 4:10.
WTH?
Do you find this weird? And I do mean many moons..try MONTHS. 4:10, 4:10, 4:10....I tell you, I'm just baffled about this time. I even went so far as to do a google search for it. All I get are 'bible' versus. Uhmm no. THAT is highly doubtful!
One more question for all you sister crones. Just how many times can one person wake up in the night and still consider it sleeping? This is getting ridiculous!
So there you have it..bloat, barrels and 4:10. Be prepared for the pickled barrel look. Stay home and fart.
The Crone of pickle barrels
Sage
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