The bad and the ugly

The one thing missing from the title..'the good', because today, there is none.

I've joked about in most of my previous posts, taken a lighthearted approach to the crones stage of life, but I'm here to tell you, it's not all a bed of roses.
There are those times when..sometimes you just feel like you'd rather be dead then to feel like you do.
I'm in one of those times.

(Ok...dead might be a stretch, but..it's close.)

Having been at this menopause thing for a decent amount of time, I'm starting to see some patterns.
The good, the bad and the ugly run in cycles.
Let's discuss this shall we?

(The following is MY two week cycle. Yours may not be the same. Milage may vary.)

Hateful hot flashes:
The cycle begins and they are constant..many times in an hour. They make you sweat and feel horrible with their electrical zaps, dropping sensations and heart flutters.  They don't stop, you swear your body is a lake of fire.
This goes on for about 8-10 days or so. Maybe as much as two weeks. Then, it will subside...some. SUBSIDE does not mean go away, but it will calm down, to maybe 6 a day, not as intense or last as long.
The ugly is knowing the cycle will repeat.

Fake Captain Tripps; runs in the same cycle with the hot flashes
The bad is, you really really do feel horrible. Your body will ache, your knees will hurt, your back will be tense and sore and the muscles in your neck will tighten.
It's the same feeling you get the first three days of the super flu. Captain Tripps if you've ever read Stephen King's book The Stand (or seen the movie).  It will coincide with the intense hot flashes.
All combined, you will truly feel like a dead woman walking. It is NOT good. It is truly Ugly.

After 3 or 4 days of the above 2..next will come:

Heartburn Hell:
This is pretty self explanatory but I have to add it, because it's the next symptom. Remember those hot flashes that are going on?..they produce lava. It will try to erupt into your throat on a constant basis. Tums will not work. You'll eat them like candy. I advise you 'don't. It will not help the basheful bowel symptom that is on it's way.

The Ugly Teaser Toss;
The next lovely addition to our list of bads is a feeling of nausea. Teaser Toss will visit you after Heartburn hell..with one leading right into the other, or matter of fact, sometimes happening at the same time. Oh yeah..it's ugly.
This comes and goes. At will. Random. You'll suddenly feel as if your going to toss your cookies. It will well up in you and you'll head for the bathroom, but then..it will go away and you're left with this 'yuck' feeling in your stomach. That feeling of 'anytime' now.  But, you never will. It will just keeping doing this 'tease toss' for hours. That's ugly. There is no good in it.

The Hanging Headache:
Why do I call it the 'hanging headache'. Cuz it hangs around and hangs around. Never quite going away. It just hangs on. Eat aspirin..with your tums. :)

The Bashful Bowel;
Oh yeah, this is one we have not discussed before, but I'm here to tell you this will run in tangent with the bloat. Just after the Teaser Toss. Here's what happens.
You'll enjoy a nice dinner and unfortunately, your body will decide it wants to hold on to it. Your intestines will form a nice bubble around it to keep it safe. After you suffer a bad night of sleep, because you'll feel like you're laying on a ball ..the following morning the pain will come.
You entire midsection (which is now larger then it was due to that bubble..aka bloat) will Hurt. (that's hurt with a capitol H.....k!)  It will feel like there is just tooooo much 'stuff' in there!  It will look like it too.
That first cup of coffee will start the process of pain.
You'll hurt from just under your boobs to your crotch. You'll think you're being drawn and quartered (and if you don't know what that is..just do a google search. You'll see the comparison)
It will feel like someone is in there trying to rip your intestines out. DO YOU HEAR ME?
Your first bathroom visit will not produce as much as you KNOW is in there. There will be at least 3 or 4 of these visits.
You'll still be in pain.
It will take several hours for this to go away. And even then..you'll not feel right. Things just are slow going in the intestines department.
Try two days of this. THEN..you may start to feel 'normal' again.
Maybe it's time for some Activia. This is all ugly, there is no good. Period.

The worst part of all this, is they ALL COME ONE RIGHT AFTER ANOTHER..boom boom boom!
This torture will continue for about 2 weeks.
Did you read that? Be prepared.

Now tell me, what could be any worse then having all the things listed above happening?
Well, just think about this..
If all this is going on..at once..you're NOT going to be a happy camper. You'll be sullen, you'll want to be alone, you won't want to talk, you won't want anyone around, you'll want to wallow in your own seemingly self destruction all by yourself.

Now, put hubby in the mix.
This is where the ill temper will come into play. I warn you in advance.

That is the ugly truth of a menopausal cycle. A cycle within a cycle. As stated above, this will all last about ..10 days..to 2 weeks. Then, the storm will calm, the tide will flow out (but never go away) and you will get a week or so reprieve from the vastness of it all ..before the ugly cycle starts again. It never goes away completely, but the good of it is..it eases off. If it didn't ..we would go insane. Do you hear me..I tell you we would go INSANE!



The Crone of Insanity

Sage