(boy was I naive and stupid).
For some, it never really happens or if it does, it's so minor they hardly notice. They ride through menopause on their brooms of 'nopause' and laugh mockingly in the face of anything to do with 'meno'. I applaud them, I envy them and I wish like hell I was one of them.
(then I curse their brooms to fly into a tree!)
Mother nature has seen to it though, that I am earning my comeuppance about the whole sordid affair.
And for all you younger whippersnapper witches, beware, it WILL happen to you..laugh now and mother nature may show you just who's queen
Let's start with one of the more 'obvious' signs of a Crones stage of life.
Hot Flashes: Call them what you will, hot flashes, power surges, heat waves or as Victorian ladies once called them "hot blooms'... they are a literal pain in the ass!
(The following description of surges are how *I* experience them, It may not be the same for you. )
Mine are so bad right now, if I could bottle these things I know I'd be able to heat the entirety of the eastern seaboard for a least one full winter.
Some women have only one or two 'surges' a day, sister crones, I have 3 or 4 an hour some days!
They start somewhere in the middle (no promise there, cuz I've felt them come from the knees up!)
It begins with a sudden feeling of falling, or as if every nerve you have just took a slight jolt of electricity. It's a split second of time, but feels like a lifetime! Sometimes this will happen 2 or more times just for good measure.
Immediately you know "oh shit ..here it comes" and do your level best to prepare for the next 5 to 15 minutes of living in hell. (literally)
It wells up like a Mount Vesuvius eruption; hot molten lava!
It rolls up your body, making your heart pitter patter, your pulse races and your ears start to burn!
Oh my gawd, has there been an epic solar flash? Armageddon? A Nuclear blast perhaps?!
You feel like Annie Oakley packin' heat!
Finally it gets to your head and face and you swear you're going Super Nova!
Your ears and cheeks turn red and suddenly....you feel like Linda Blair in the Exorcists screaming
"It BURNS! It BURNS!"
Then your head spins around (just like Linda Blair) and Old Faithful erupts all over you in massive outpourings of sweat.
Now you have to move, you have to get up from whatever it is you're doing to escape the heat that is radiating off your body. You begin to fan yourself.. it does NOT help!
Now is when you start lying.
You feign getting something cold to drink just so you can stick your head in the freezer and pray for relief. You hope like hell nobody catches you...and when they do you stammer and mutter something about a lost earring and stick your head back in there!
Then the hussy in you will come out.
You'll start stripping! Put on the music and go for it! First the pants, then the shirt..you don't want anything touching your skin. You're significant other will see this and think "Oh..yeah let's get it on" and you'll look at them as if it was THEIR head spinning round!
You might as well start singing the Pussycat Dolls song; "Doncha you wish your girlfriend was 'hot' like me..doncha!"
Cuz sister crones you are gonna be ONE HOT MAMA!
This will continue for about..ohh anywhere from 5-15 minutes. You'll finally feel relief as the burn slows and subsides and all you'll want to do is take a cold shower. It's like you had 'hot sex' for the last 1/2 hour; nerves tingling, heart racing and you may even want a cigarette when it's over, but you got NONE of the pleasure that goes with it..NONE!
You think teenage boys stay in the shower a long time? PFFFT! They got nothing on a menopausal hot flashing crone..understand?
The Crone of Strippers Anonymous
Sage
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