Crawling..crawling

Yesterday, I had weak moment. Yep, sure did.
Now you must know that while at work, once I get myself all set up and in my 'zone'..the material just flows and it's a monotonous repetition of steps, one has time to think..of lots of stuff. Yesterday, was one of those 'thinking' days. I kept thinking, "do I really want my marriage to end..he can't be all that bad..maybe I should give it another shot..what if we could sit down and talk this weekend.." and on and on and on.
So arriving home yesterday I still had these thoughts in mind. Dementor was home. He met me at the door, all smiles. We conversed and I even had him sit down at the table with me while he waited for his time to leave. We didn't talk about us..I just let him talk, about his 'work'..and his 'woes' at work and the lack of overtime and on and on and on. (which he does a lot) While I'm sitting there, listening..I'm looking, watching.
Again, I tried to reason with myself and say in my head 'could we make it work'..and I swear to you the more he sat there and ran off at the mouth, the more I was screaming "NOOO!!!!!"
It's just not going to work..seriously. I don't think I even like him anymore. Period. And then I thought about all the other 'man' stuff. I'd have to clean his toilet, wash his clothes, cook his dinner, scratch his back..and the more I thought about these things, the more I watched him talked and listen to his complaints, his sour attitude about life in general, the more my head screamed 'no' and the louder it got.
Much as I don't want to work a full time job, (especially where I'm working now..not enough money) I think I want Dementor around even less.
Sometimes I wonder how in the world we got along in the first place to get as far as we have. I have to admit to myself, I let that happen. I let a lot of things slide and skipped over the bad parts because I thought it would be easier to be married. Easier on life in general. I was wrong. Yep..I buckled in a lot of things.

It dawned on me not too long ago that when we were dating, several things happened that were red flags that I totally ignored. WHY I chose to ignore those things is beyond me..desperation maybe? Who knows, but ignore them I did.
One thing was when we would talk on the phone, it wasn't a 'we' conversation. It was a 'he' conversation. He did all the talking. He talked about very much the same things he talks of now..his work and the complaints of it..no overtime and yadda yadda.
(he even quit a damned good paying job because they wouldn't give him overtime)
He would constantly interrupt me and never really let me 'talk' to him, about much of anything.

And he talked of his past. He lives very much in his past. All the things he used to do, especially his time working for NASA. He brags on that, but he got fired from there because of drugs. So tell me..why would you brag on that? But he does. He lost one hell of a job for the love of a drug. Hmm..red flag..that I ignored.

He's a job hopper. He had changed jobs just before we started dating (two weeks), once within the year we were dating, and again right before we got married. (the last one, due to his plan to move though..so I'll give him that one..but even so..Hmm..red flag.
It's usually a year to a year and a half for each job. We've been married for 5 years this May and in that time, he's switched jobs 3x's. Does this tell you something? It's always the same 'type' of job, but a different place. He's ready to leave the one he's at now..he's searching big time. He hasn't even been there six months! As soon as he secures a job at one place, he starts searching for another! Go figure. He's never happy with any job he gets, never. This is a red flag for me too, because if he can't be satisfied with his job that he goes to everyday, he will not be satisfied with his marriage either, which he deals with everyday.
I so kick myself in the ass for not recognizing these little things and thinking about them on a bigger long term scale. I really do.
Would this marriage work if I gave it my all? I don't think so. I really don't.

Life right now, is a slow series of steps for me. More slowly then I'd like to take, but we all must learn to crawl before we can walk. Right now, I'm crawling again, and it's not easy. I imagine learning to walk will be even harder, but it's something I have to do.
I guess my next step in this crawling through life is securing a decent paying job, because right now..that's not happening. 7.50 an hour will not cut the mustard. So for the next several weeks, I'll do what I can to 'upgrade' a resume, and send it out. I think I'm going to sign up with a temp agency or two to see what they can do as well as heading to job services (locally). I really don't want to travel to another area to work, but I'm afraid I may have to in order to get something with the paycheck I need.

Hell, one has to figure, if you have to travel 50 miles to get a decent paying job, you could afford a different gas saving car right?? Right. That's what I keep telling myself anyway. At least I have a good working car (two for that matter) so, I'm going to go for broke I guess and expand my options. One baby crawl at a time.

The Crone of red flags and baby steps

Sage