Ok, so I bit the bullet. After a week of constant thinking time on my hands at work, I decided it was time to at least 'talk' to dementor bout 'us' and our situation. Yes, I know this was probably not what you would have expected but in my mind I kept thinking..it would be 'wrong' to call off 5 years without at least trying to talk some things through. Almost unfair to the situation as a whole. In my mind, my train of thinking was...this:
" It doesn't seem fair to either one of us to call it quits without at least talking to each other, voicing our issues to try and clear them up, I mean, why shouldn't we talk this through, why should we go about ignoring the issues..maybe if we talked them through we could come to a workable solution at least. Maybe we cold give it a go..for one year..just one. I mean..what if I worked for the next 6 months or so and we paid off everything but the basics, then tried at the marriage for a few months, giving ourselves a full year. With it all paid off and no major expenditures, maybe dementor would find some happiness and we could find some peace with each other..it would only be a year..and hell during that year, I could do what I needed to do and find a good paying job ..and have the time to do it. What did we have to loose?"
With all this in mind, I approached dementor on Saturday.
I asked him a few questions and some why's of the situation. You know, the basics, like 'if we were in such dire straights with money, why did you not come to me, lay it all out for me to 'see' and say 'we really need for you to go to work at least part time till we get over this hump'...at that point, I would have had no problem doing that, but instead..you jabbed and made snarky nasty comments to me and others, instead you were sour and mean to me..why? Why did you do that? I never got an answer..not really. All I got was 'You should have been able to see it"...I knew this conversation was probably not going to amount to much.
I was kinda wrong on that account.
Dementor admitted something I never thought I'd hear.
"I am an unhappy person because that's the way I am. I've never been happy, I always think of things on the worse side. I brood over the what if's and constantly think about the past and the decisions I've made. I can't nor do I want to change that...I'm just an unhappy person and nothing ever makes me happy.
I keep searching for it, but can never find it..there is no happiness for me.
My jobs are no fun anymore..I change jobs and think I'm going to find that happiness and within weeks I'm unhappy and searching again. I dated a women one time who told me, "I would never be happy" and I guess she was right, nothing makes me happy. I've tried, I've tried to pep talk myself into being in a good mood just one day and it never works. Even when I was single I was not happy, but I was happier then I am now. I will always live in the past and I will always brood on things, it's just the way I am. I always think...what if..what if...what if....and nothing is ever fun or good.
I think the happiness was stripped from my body with my first marriage. I would just rather be alone. At least I was 'less' unhappy, still unhappy for sure..but less so. I just want to be alone.
All I could think of was........'unfuckingbelievable'. Then the next thought in my mind was the fairy tales you've heard all your life where there is always one old ogre of a man who is mean and ornery to everyone, chasing them off his land as he hobbles about on his cane, (or shoots them with a gun). His only friend is a dog if he's lucky. He lives alone in a ramble down shack eating bread and broth for dinner and scowling at the world, just waiting for someone to cross his path so he can be mean to them.
And then it dawned on me..............that's exactly ..and I DO mean exactly what he wants, where he's heading AND what he's been like since we married!!
Oh mygawd..I was floored. I lived with SHREK!
(the only thing he's missing is green skin!)
And something else dawned on me. The more you 'give him love' the more he balks back and becomes more distant and horrible and grumpy with you. He did it with me..and he has done it with Maya, (my dog). The more she wants his attention and love, the more he gets nasty with her..the less he wants to touch her, the less he wants to be around her..same thing with me.
He's scared. He's a scared mean ass old man. The closer you get and things begin to 'flow smooth' the less he likes it. The meaner he gets..and the more grumpier he will act. He's scared he WILL be happy. He's not searching for it..he's running from it.
Ohmygawd. Ok, well, all in all, I know where I stand..I know what I have to do and I hope like hell I can accomplish it. Let's just say, now that I know for SURE there is no 'going back' the quicker this gets done the better. All in all done.
Oh..one more thing. Dementor is selling his boat. He has a gentleman that is very interested and is going to be coming down next weekend (sunday) to see it. (I was unaware of this till last night)
In the meantime, my DIL will be down to visit with my granddaughter next weekend too.
Yesterday when I was visiting my daughter and grands, I mentioned this to her and we made plans get together and have dinner next weekend out at 'the farm' as my grands call it.
Dementor over heard me discussing our 'dinner next weekend' on the phone last night. After I get off the phone, he jumps up and says "I hope your dinner is going to be on Saturday, cuz that guy is coming to look at the boat on Sunday. So he's going to be here on Sunday".
I looked dead at the dementor and said "that has nothing to do with me...and makes no difference whatsoever when I have dinner with my kids"
He was stumped, he was taken aback..he was silent. He realized, he could not force anything on me, he could not control anything I did..nor who I had in or out of my house. I think the dementor lost his footing just a little bit.
WHY?
Because now, he had no control, no say AND was unhappy. Welcome to your choice Shrek!
The Crone of Edge of the Swamp hovel living
Sage
No comments:
Post a Comment