The Fighting Irish

Having made the decision to cancel my marriage and take life on my own, I find I have lots of thoughts as to the remainder of my years. I know that may sound morbid, but each day I've gone to work I've had to ask myself, 'is this sacrifice' worth being happy and alone?  You may wonder what sacrifice I speak of..so I'll tell you.

For most of my life I have been a 'stay at home mom and wife'. I love being home. I love cooking and cleaning, gardening and canning. I loved raising my babies, I love being domestic and crafty. I love creating something from nothing. The ability to 'contribute' from inside the home as apposed to outside of it. This is my sacrifice. The freedom of the 'domestic goddess' in exchange for the 40+ hr work week. I will miss it.

(I've done my share of work outside the home, at one time I was holding down three outside jobs and one in home job. It had to be done, and I did it.)

The decision to 'go back into the work force' is not one that I relish. It looses some of it's shine when you realize you'll be doing this every day (at least 4-5 days a week) for the remainder of your time here on earth. I think to myself sometimes, I'll probably keel over in front of the sewing machine at work! How horrible. So ..is it worth it..is this decision worth the daily grind, day in, day out?
Some days, I have my doubts.
The bottom line is...do I want to go life alone, without a partner/marriage? And why would I want to go it alone.

This leads to a multitude of questions..like..is my current marriage a partnership?
No
Is my current marriage happy?
No
Is my current marriage calm and peaceful?
No.
Once I answered No to these questions, I guess the decision of 'going it alone' was pretty much answered for me.
Now..the whys.
I cannot make Dementor happy and I am tired of trying.
My goals and Dementors goals in life are not the same, and never will be.
I treasure family and being near them, a part of them, Dementor does not.
I do deserve some modicum of respect and not someone who goes into fits of rage over the smallest of issues. I deserve more. Period.

So it all comes down to, I can only make myself happy, not someone else and respect starts here. I deserve nothing less and should expect nothing less from a partner in life.
I wont get these things with Dementor. That, I am sure of.
Yes...I'd rather be alone then to take the bull I've taken from my marriage.

It's just all kind of odd, in order to be 'happier'..I have to sacrifice the love of my life..my domesticity. In order to do that, I must move into the 40 hr. work week, which does not necessarily make me happy. To get one, you have to give up the other.
Odd..isn't it?


Maybe it's just that this job is not one I 'dreamed' of thats for sure. Maybe it's just the very thought of having to deal with this job every day for gawd only knows how long.
Then...a wee bit o' the Irish in me comes out and the fight takes hold. No matter what (or where I was), if I go life alone, I'll have to work the 40. This is merely a stepping stone to something better and I have to keep that thought in mind. What's better and around the corner?  I don't know yet, but I'm sure there is something. Life will be very hard for sure, but I am no less then any other man (or women) out there who does it every day. C'mon my fighting Irish side, stick with me.


It's a daunting task, but one I think I'll make.


The Crone of 40+

Sage