Here we are again

I've got a few things to touch on today.
Let's talk about some 'Crone' items first.
Remember that list I put up a few posts back of the 32 things you can experience during menopause?

(this isn't going to be pretty!)

Here's the scoop.
If you're a crone, you should avoid at all costs, getting sick, smelling odd things, picking nose hairs..uhmm let's just say..anything to make you sneeze, cough or laugh.

(and people wonder why we don't 'laugh' much????? blink, blink)
(Ask me why?)

Trust me Sister Crones, if you sneeze or laugh to hard, you better make sure you've made a hefty donation to 'Poise" first...mmmK?

First and foremost, our bladder never empties. I swear to you, I can go to the bathroom..pee a river, get up and 5 minutes later, have to go back. (blink blink) 
Now, I'll grant you the second time around doesn't produce as much UNLESS..
(and here it comes)
Unless..I decide "NOT" to go and hold it, cuz I think in my wrackspurt driven mind, my bladder is just playing tricks on me..I really don't have to go.
Without fail, the comeuppance of mother nature will strike and I will sneeze, cough or laugh.
(BIG MISTAKE!)
THEN..it will FEEL like a river! In your pants. Down your leg (if you're not wearing any pants) or up the crack of your butt if your laying back watching TV or something... all over your chair/couch! WTH!?

(remind me to buy all Naugahyde chairs..even the fake ones!) What do they call that..Pleather?? (fake leather?)

You know, I've always heard it said "once a (wo)man, Twice a child"

(You've heard that right?)
When my kids were tots, 90% of my furniture was 'wipe off' type. I mean..sticky hand prints are much easier to clean off of 'pleather' then cotton duck right? Sure it is.
Then tell me WHY..oh WHY did we not realize then, that we would be the next children sitting on the couch pissing our pants..and KEEP THE PLEATHER??? WTH?
Oh the costly mistakes we make when we try to fool mother nature!

Going naked is not good for incontinence....nay nay
(I've pulled out my 'carpet/upholstery cleaner more then once!)

 I get hot..power surges you know...so I go about my house MOST TIMES..with just a shirt and as soon as the dementor leaves..I wear nothing!
(remember a few of the other items like weight gain and bloat? Yeah..that's why I wait till the dementor leaves before going naked, cuz well, just cuz..no one wants to see that..no)

It is never safe to knock on my door after 6pm anymore. No.....not a good idea.
Trust me when I tell you..going naked produces a problem with incontinence.

The other day while chatting with a friend (1 of 5) via the internet, I had a sneeze that came from the bottom of my feet..out of nowhere, no warning, no nothing. Do I even need to tell you what happened?
(I didn't think so!)
Sad part is..I didn't even HAVE TO PEE AT THE TIME! Where in the hell does this stuff come from??

Ohh Mother Nature, you are a cruel mistress..yes, yes, yes you are!

Now on to the second part of this post. The Dementor.
You know, since *I* have had a change of attitude lately..he seems to have gotten better.
(or so I thought)
Until today at least.
I'll keep this short and sweet.
Can we say "TEMPER TANTRUM' cuz ..you know..I really don't know why, he had no reason to do it other then just to irritate me on purpose!..I swear to you sister Crones, he was acting like a 5 year old 'mocking' me!

(It's just past a new moon..I must remember this)

In a perfectly sing song, irritating..5 year old voice, with the stomping attitude to back it up here's what I heard "Cuz you want a fire at your table..cuz you want a fire at your table..cuz you want a fire at your table"
Yep, he repeated it 3x's. Yep, he said it the same time each way..picture 5 year old here ok.
And yep, he stomped off to work afterwards.

I've told you before..I'm a Taurus. Taurus's like to throw things. Especially glass things..to hear them break seems to 'calm' the nerves.
(don't ask me why..I have no clue..but it works!)
Taurus's scream too..a low deep growling scream..reminds them of that 'bullish' huffing and puffing you know.
When he walked out the door..it took everything in me not to pick up my glass and sling it as hard as I could at the back door. EVERYTHING in me!

(I just kept thinking I'd be one short in my set of glasses..and that is not good)

But..I did scream..that low rumbling..snorting kind of bull warning..

ASSSSHOOOOLE!!!!

Whew..I feel better.
I'm glad I'm leaving for the weekend.
In the meantime..I think it's time for some wine and another bath. Oh yeah!