A Personal I-Ching

Well..it's over. It's been done. Kaput.

And now, life will change drastically
(and possibly for the better for me)
I laid it all on the line last night. I'm not even sure how it started, and I'm not sure what made me do it last night, the timing just felt right. Once that ball started rolling, it kept on going too.

It was strange really. I learned what I already knew, and and some things I didn't know.

Money.

The old saying "the love of money is the root of all evil' could not be more true. Wanting it, having it, earning it and wanting more of it (and not getting it) is what has turned the man I married 5 years ago into the dementor he is today.
Money is his foundation. He built his house brick brick by brick on greed and put it together with the mortar of his hate. The hate that he has for supporting me, and much more.
Specifically speaking he hates that he has to pay for my car, my insurance and my cigarettes.
(yep...he said that)
He wants lots of extra money after the bills are paid so that we can go and take day trips any time we feel like it or buy something worth more then 200$ any time we feel like it and right now his income and his outgo are level and even, the same, he has nothing to show for it. Oh..and while we are on these little 'jaunts' around the country I'm not supposed to be tethered to my kids or family it's supposed to be just him.  He hates that his name is not on the house and speaking of the house, it's always been my house never 'our' house or 'his' house. He hates that he  has nothing to show that's of monetary value in his eyes. He owns nothing. He sees nothing tangible, like money or 'things' he can say are his.

Money..it all boiled down to money and my family.

Me and my familyHe hates the way my family is and that I hold my kids and my grand kids above him. (that they are more important then him..and he's right on that, and I told him that before we ever got married..my exact words were "My kids are the most important thing in my life, and you will never take their place".  
(shrug..to me, that's being a parent..he cannot understand this since he left his kids a long time ago and supplicates them with money thinking this will make the difference..who'd a thunk?)

He hates the way we play games (I mean GAMES..like board games or card games) because we chatter and kabitz too much during a game, we laugh and giggle, he said "when I play a game I'm there to play, not cavort around and TALK while playing".

(OMG!...let's just say he does not know how to have FUN!)

He hates the way my son and I discuss things and analyze them at a level that's beyond ridiculous really solving nothing. (I did mention it's no different then the talking heads he watches on tv, he got a little stumped about that but said he has it on and doesn't really listen..I call a bullshit flag on that excuse)

He hates that my family (brothers/sisters/kids) call me every day (or nearly every day) and that they call me for advise or to talk things through. In his words, "It's not 'what did you do last week'..it's what did you to 10 minutes ago". 
(one must understand, he has NO relationship with his family..not brothers or kids..the kids call him once in a blue moon and he never talks to his brothers..they may see each other once every 2-5 years or so)
He even said to me the last time one of my sisters was here all he wanted to do was to smack her out the door! (why.?..because she had a differing opinion then he did and voiced it)
To be honest, I think he's jealous of the relationship I have with my kids and family, because he doesn't have that.

What I learned about me:
A bossy know it all that ruled the roost in her way and if it wasn't her way it wasn't gonna happen. That I had a permanent tether to my family that I refused to cut for him. There was no compassion or sympathy in me for him when he was in pain (wth?) and I thought of him as a sugar daddy only, the money man.  I thought of my family and my grand-babies before him..even when I went to the thrift store, it was always I bought for them, toys for their room, clothes for them and never anything for him (I guess he forgot all the times I bought him the books he loves or tried to convince him to buy the exercise machine he wanted)  

I could go on and on and on about what I learned, but the most surprising thing I learned ..was this.
When I asked him at the beginning of our conversation if he really wanted to be here, stay here and be in this marriage and why he hadn't left already since he was so unhappy" he said "because if I left,  I'm afraid you'll kill me."
(blink blink)
(blink blink)
I'll let you figure that one out..
He then said "What am I supposed to do then..walk away with only the clothes on my back and sign it all away."

I was flabbergasted. That's when I told him "You really don't know me. In the five years we've been together, you really and truly do not know me." 

I then informed him..In all the relationships I've ever had in my life and the marriages, when they were over, I never ONCE ..not ONCE asked for alimony. Even when my marriage of 15 years ended and the law told me I had legal right to 1/2 of my husbands retirement because we were married for more then 1/2 of his military career I said 'no'..I didn't want it. That each time they walked out with what they came in with and everything that was bought together during that relationship was split evenly between us. Do you know why that is Dementor? Cuz when I'm done, I'm done. I want no reasons for you or anyone to have to come back.

Then he started talking about this and that and how would we split it..and so on and so on. The more he talked, the more I knew there would be no reconciliation between us. Ever. He and I are too very very different people. He thinks we must have much more money and tangible items, I think..not. Money is not my standard of living ...living is my standard.

I tried explaining that if two people love each other, they don't have to have money to be happy, they should be happy to be in each others company, talking, playing games, working about their home. He told me I was dreaming and that shit never happens. I disagree...it does happen. He said then, If I don't have money, I am not happy. Period.

It was over for me. (of course, it was over for me much earlier in the conversation.)


Six months. I will get the job, begin paying my car and insurance, my 1/2 of the bills and he will save money and go somewhere by July 1.

It's over. Thank the Goddess, let's party!


The Crone of happiness without money,
Sage