It's time for 'The rest of the story"

 Here we are again...it's nearly midnight and I'm still up. 

Things have happened recently and now ..I need to give that final update. (the rest of the story)
Then, I will move on from this in my life. Forever. 

So here we go. 
The dementor and I separated on Oct 28, 2018..(I say separated meaning..I said I wanted a divorce, I moved out of the bedroom and it was over.) 

Life had become..well, I just had enough. Our marriage had become, less than roommate status really. I was never spoken to and when I was it was with disdain. I was looked at like I was just a nuisance.

He had refused to take his depression meds for a year or better  (he didn't know I knew, he lied, said he was still taking them..I knew better, by the way he acted and he had not refilled them in over a year.) 

He did choose to self medicate with pain killers and sleeping pills. He had been at that for many years, it was getting worse. He was addicted and he was a different man. He was always angry, full of hate, for everything even so apparently me. 
One day, THE day I said I'm done,  he looked at me with absolute loathing, as if I had 7 heads and he seemed to deem me stupid on that day..ignorant even. Why? I was doing something he didn't understand or like..so in that instance, I was stupid. I was also...done. 

We only spoke when we had to. Dec of that same year, just before Yule and the new year of 2019 he moved to the next county in an apartment a few miles from his work...about 45 minutes from the house. 

We were in the midst of house renovations when all this happened. He left me high and dry with that. I was ok with it. I'm a determined women (a Taurus ..remember. Stubborn as fuck) 

So, for the spring and summer of 2019, I finished the house renovations. Painting and new flooring in the living room, kitchen, dinning room and master bedroom (a friend helped with some of the flooring). Cleaned up the yard, fixed and repaired the things that needed done. I had my second knee surgery and brought my grandson down to stay with me for a month (so he could help me get around after surgery).  Him and I cleaned gutters, mowed grass and repaired even more things. I took him home 3 weeks later and will be forever grateful for his help. For an 11 yr old, he was amazing. 

In the midst of all this, sometime in late July..one fine day while I was doing some repairing on the house a voice spoke to me..."GO..you need to GO". (WTH? I was a little befuddled and ignored it)

It wasn't long ..(maybe a day or three) when the voice came back, a little stronger, a little louder. "GO! You need to get out now!"  I ignored it, and I should have known better really. Sometime in early August..it screamed at me "GET OUT!" (I felt like I was in Amityville!)

It had more to say...it kept coming at me, all day that day. "You need to go, move, just get out, don't wait, you have to go NOW!" Finally, the voice was imploring enough that I did listen and made a phone call to my son in Montana. It was the only place I could think of. A million miles away from everything that was mine. My job, my home..but also a million miles away from a life I had been living for 20 plus years and one that was starting back at square one. What the hell for? 

From that moment, that point in time, it took  4 months and I was packed, loaded, delivered, sold and sitting in Montana by Dec 2019. 
During the next month over 1/2 of my personal belongings were sold, given away or donated. What was left was packed in boxes and stacked eagerly awaiting a new destination. I made the arrangements needed; time off, a plane ticket from Montana to SC and U-haul rental. The first Monday in Sept 2019 with the help of some work mates, we loaded the U-haul and the next morning, I helped my two German Shepherds into the front and took off bright and early, Montana bound. 

(I drove cross country with everything I owned. I think I left my sanity behind. What I was doing was crazy right? ) 

With my dogs and my personal belongings safe in Montana, I turned in the Uhaul and three days later flew back to SC to finish it all and tie up the loose ends. I had so much overtime on the books, I worked the rest of September and was done, but my official end date was the last of Nov. Which means, I got paid all the way into Dec. My house went on the market in late October (just before I left) and sold within a week..that sale fell through but another was right behind it. I left for good just before Halloween and took my time visiting family along the way to arrive in Montana, Yule of 2019. The final sale of my house went through on Dec 31. The divorce was final 2 months later, on Dementors birthday, Feb 7 2020. I wished him Happy Birthday. 
Total time from the day I said "I want a divorce' to the day I was completely gone, house sold and divorce final, 1 yr, and 4 months. 

In that short amount of time, life was changed for me forever. A change I made. What I find the most amazing in all this is. 

I listened to the voice. Everything, in the end, happens for a reason without a doubt, I know this now.  Just a few months after I arrived ..Covid hit and the world was 'shut down' ..and now I knew why the voice was so adamant. Life needs change to grow, or the mold will grow out of stagnation. 

And finally, here is where I have been blown away. 
On May 25 of 2021, just a short 1 year and 3 months after our divorce was final, 

My X Dementor passed away in his sleep. We don't have cause of death yet. My guess is the coroner will say 'heart attack'..but my gut tells me, overdose. Accidental? Probably..but in the end, the amount of drugs he was taking I'm sure will be the reason his heart stopped working. Whether the coroners report will state that or not, my gut tells me so and over the last 2 years of my life, if I've learned anything at all, listen to the voice that speaks to you and everything happens for a reason. 

We had not spoken to each other in almost exactly1 year (at his choice) I am sad about that really. 
Divorced we may have been, Un-communicative we may have been. 

It has still shocked the hell out of me. 

Where are we going?

 Some days I wake up in this handbasket and just ask myself, where are we going? 

I've seen so much shit and so much nonsense on the news lately, I'm running out of red flags. 

Something did come by me the other day however, that I had to stick in my 'OMG don't forget this' brain file. It was 'Deagel' site. What is the Deagel site..well, I'm still not sure. It's a military something said one place I looked, so honestly, I'm not sure. I'll be looking into it more. They do these yearly or semi yearly reports on the upcoming years..`10 or so. These reports include population growth and or losses. 

BUT 

Here's the rub. 
Back in 2015 (or before), Deagel put out their report and it graphed a HUGE population loss in 2025. Well peeps, this is 2021 and I don't have to tell you what has been going on over the last 12-14 months. We all know. We are all aware. I'm not sure if everyone is aware how the Virus or the Vaccine has or is effecting people...but I know there have been a few deaths. They've pulled one of the types of vaccines...blood clots, heart issues and various other things occurring in people who have received the second round. Even to death.  SO...that being said..is it true? who knows.
(I trust no one and nothing anymore. NOTHING...)

SO..onto other topics. 
Today is Sunday..it's my SEWCIAL Sunday. I've been calling it that for a while and try to sew on that day but haven't always stuck by it. (I'm kinda loose that way!) 

(Confession time)  

My life has no 'road ahead' so it seems. Sometimees..I feel stuck. I feel floating and just waiting for the right breeze to blow me somewhere. Anywhere but in the doldrums of lifes' seas. Of my lifes' ocean at least. I get I'm supposed to be here, but still feel stuck I guess as to my next 'move'.

Sad thing here is, I'm not sure which way to point my sail. I HAVE to do something. Last night the future haunted my ability to sleep. Thoughts of 'what to do'? 'where to go'? 'how to start'? 

I still dream that I could start a pagan convent..I really would. A convent of older women such as myself. 55+ Women who are of a self supportive attitude, but find themselves kinda stuck like me. Those who are at least of an openness in the faith department,  Where practicing your chosen faith with others or not would be acceptable.  Somewhere where older women who still find pleasure in the arts they love, from painting to gardening to yoga could practice those things on their own terms. With or without others to join them. Would be a dream. is a dream. 

This country have left the old to die, alone and without help. We have put things on the map, raised children, made it possible for people to continued on with our country, lifestyle and faiths, and here we are..forgotten and cast aside with no options available. What the fuck are we thinking. 

I must chant, pray think, eat, breathe on these things. I must find a way. 

Sage..

Crone of lifes doldrums

 Good morning all you silly old crones out there! (or not)

How you ever, had deja vu?? 

The term deja vu is French, coined by French psychic researcher Emile Boirac.  Deja vu literally means 'already seen'. It is sometimes called paramnesia and describes a feeling of having already experienced a situation, event or time. 
It seems to be a faint memory, but as it happens you cannot stop it and say what will happen next, because if you did, it would change the future or memory of your deja vu.

I've always had periods of deja vu throughout my entire life. Over the last few months, it's been hitting me again, often. 
I do believe it is at least an indicator that something is right, you are where you need to be. It's not so much a faint memory of what has happened, (although I don't discount this) but it is at least a knowledge that someone or something from the other realms.. spirit guides, family spirit, whatever you choose to use is giving you some indication that you are in the place you need to be. 

Right now, this is comforting to me. With all the life changes I have created, caused and experienced in the past year, I am happy to know my deja vu is an indication that 'I'm in the right place'. 

(Cause sometimes I wonder! )

I was a lazy witch yesterday...wait..for the past two days I was a lazy witch.  I mean, I accomplished a few things, but few is the key word here. Instead of working on what I need to work on (Mainly my brothers quilt) I absolutely have avoided it like the plague and played SIMS for the past two days. 

ALL.  DAY.  FOR.  TWO.  DAYS! 

Is this bad. So, I'm going to ask you crones out there this question.

Do you feel guilty for doing nothing?? Do you feel guilty for doing what your heart wants for a day or two??
This guilt is something I think that comes from the me who is me and the way I was raised. 
All my life I've been a 'busy' person. I very very rarely ever did 'nothing'. 

And growing up, with the parents I had, you were not allowed to do "NOTHING" ..we always had chores.

You either helped with the cooking, washed the dishes, cleaned, mowed or something. NEVER were you allowed to sleep in or sit about just taking up space without being productive in one way or another.

** we interrupt this  post with an important message...I'll be back to finish this later..must run

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